xpenses. I purchased things for the
home, like a stove, dishwasher, TV and other things. I remodeled the bathroom. I don't
drink or do drugs. I never fooled around. I helped her mother out. I was a friend to
her daughter, and participated in parent teacher conferences and her church.
We did have problems. I was coming out of a bad stretch in my life
where I was unemployed for a long time (2-3 yrs) and did not have my finances in order,
nor did I have a lot of stuff. And due to prior cancer treatment I was not able to perform
sexually as often as she would like.
But I gave what I had freely and without
reservation. I endured her taunts about my sexual performance, and her ridicule about my
financial situation. She was always super concerned about her physical appearance. I was
never in her league and she would let me know it.
Now that this situation has passed, I feel like
I will never marry or have a family. I do not date and don’t know anyone to ask out.
Even if I did I would not inflict myself on them. I am ashamed and embarrassed. So I
guess I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. There is still an empty place
in my heart. I have no family, and those friends I thought I had are lining up to
make time with the ex.
Oh, I am in counseling, but the counselor is not
helping. I am getting angrier and angrier. I am acting out and saying and doing things
that hurt people. I am forgetting to pay bills. my life is falling apart. I cannot sleep,
I binge eat and I am gaining weight. I am spending all of my time alone. I do not
know anyone to even go out for coffee with.
Will I get past this? Will I find someone? What
do I do? Please help.
John
Answer: Dear John,
Welcome to one hell of a midlife crisis. Will you get through it? Yes. Will you find someone? Yes. What do I
do? Read on.
Yes. You will get through it if you don’t
do something self-destructive. One day you will look back on this
and shake your head and smile. You’re not the first guy to go through this wringer
and, from my own experience, let me tell you, it is hell.
You will find someone but you have just been
through the Last Immature Relationship Before the Crisis. If
you do your inner work, your next relationship will be a vast improvement. I can tell you
a few things.
Your counselor isn’t helping? You did the
right thing by getting a second opinion. Get a third one if you need to. One
of the terrible things about a midlife crisis is that, in the end, it forces you to find
your own way out of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t need support. A
counselor can support you, can help you, can keep your spirits up, can calm you down
somewhat, and can help you keep thinking while you are swamped with emotions. But you are
the one who has to work through all those terrible realizations yourself.
You say your counselor is not helping because
you are getting angrier and angrier. (At least I infer that from your last
paragraph.) If I’ve read you right, I have bad news for you. Your task at
this point in the crisis is to thoughtfully and honestly realize just how angry you are
and what about. The problem is not that you are angry. The problem is that you can’t
deal with how angry you are. Do you see the difference?
From my experience in dealing with this midlife
crisis both in myself and as a professional, I find that tangled up in all that anger,
like gold wire in a confusing trash heap, are some powerful personal truths. I
always trust and respect strong anger. It’s distilling out the inner meaning
that’s the hard work. And that’s the work you need to do.
If you are angry to the point of not being able
to function, then there is a part of your soul that is on strike and demanding you sit
down and deal. As to the messy ending of your last
relationship (What a story!), that is another area where you have a lot to review
and think about. She sounds quite formidable and also determined to dump you from her
life. It’s a kick in the ass. In other cases I’ve looked at (can’t
say about yours), it’s often a much needed kick in the ass.
Your story sounds like an example of that one
relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well,
you’re hard pressed to be able to say. These relationships are intense and
exhausting and when they are done you say, "I’ll not do that again." They
are a kind of hitting bottom.
One of your tasks in counseling was to figure
out what it was that woman had that you felt you needed so desperately that you would go
into a relationship that was so demanding for you. You'll need to really think this
one through because it's something you want desperately, sounds like. This is a big piece
of your puzzle.
You also need some relationship survival skills.
Here’s one strong suggestion. Please listen with an open mind. There is an
organization called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I know, I know, the name is
pretty intense and calls to mind creepy people. But actually they are a pretty smart
group. What’s good about it is that there are a lot of people there who have
been eaten alive by relationship experiences. You can go to the meetings and sit quietly
and hear people’s stories and hear what they have done to get back on their feet.
They have some pretty interesting literature and have evolved through trial and error a
number of very solid ways to get your relationship life under control. It’s an
awfully strong adjunct to counseling. The best part is that there are people there who
were really crazy around this stuff five, ten years ago and who have regained sanity. They
can give you the wisdom of their experience (the good ones speak strictly from their own
experience and that’s worth a lot). It’s very fortifying. Thanks.
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Followup:
Dear Dr. Belove, Why do I
want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one? My friend the astrologer says
that it is possible we will reconcile. What do I do about those thoughts? I cannot
even think of going out in public much less dating. Should I wait for her to come to her
senses? I would be willing to do so. Please help-------
Answer to Follow-up: Hi,
John -
You asked the perfect question:
"Why do I want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one?" I
think it could take you several hours to come up with that answer. It was the question I
asked you in my answer to you.
I said, "Your story sounds like an example
of what I’ve been called The Last Immature Relationship. Often happens on the
verge of the midlife transition and its failure is a kind of wake-up call. It’s that
one relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well,
you’re hard pressed to be able to say."
I can tell you why people in general fall into
that particular emotional whirlpool. I can’t tell you what your answer to that
question should be. You must work with a therapist to draw that answer forth from your
gut.
What happens in relationships like that is that
you believe that this is the person who has what you need to complete your life. There is
something in them that is missing, oh so missing, in you. You feel it as a precisely
shaped emptiness that only this precisely shaped personality can fill. Here is someone who
can take you to that place that you have wanted to get to all your life. It is a place you
know and love. Yet you feel powerless to get there by yourself. Yet you know exactly where
it is. You have dreams about it and about being there with her, the one.
And, of course, this is young love and it is
fierce, and compelling and wonderful and painful. It is the kind of love that very young
people would die for. It is Romeo and Juliet love, awesome and glorious and totally
consuming. It is also somewhat blinding in its glory. It is a dream
of the future and you see it. What you do not see is the discouragement that comes with
it. Even though it is your dream, you do not believe you can achieve it without her. That
is the misapprehension.
What is true for right now is that you cannot
even imagine life without her. She inspires you. She inspires you so completely that
you forget that it is your vision. She actually has a very different vision for her future
and that is why she rejects you so forcefully.
Don’t think she will come to her senses.
She believes that she came to her senses by throwing you out. She was sick of you and your
dream for her future. She has a different vision of the future and it is incompatible with
your vision. With you around, she couldn’t even think of her goals and wishes for
herself.
You, on the other hand, couldn’t think of
your goals and wishes for yourself without her. You needed her to activate your dreams.
And that is your problem. You don’t know how to keep your dreams alive without her.
In my opinion, this is what a therapist ought to help you with. He ought to
help you disentangle your vision from its dependence on her.
If your therapist tells you to forget about her,
you will resist because you are afraid if you forget about her you will forget about your
glimpse of happiness. You are afraid that without her you cannot imagine happiness for
yourself. While it is true that she uniquely helps you
imagine happiness for yourself, it is also true that you can learn to do this without her.
But you don’t understand this yet. Does this help you?
Best, Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Feedback: While painful, it was refreshing to finally
understand some things. I am grateful for your clarity, honesty and insight. Thanks! -
John L.
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