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Real life questions from Susan Price, M.A. (continued)

Question from: Cheryl R.
Dear Susan,

Should I continue this `relationship?`...it may be mutually beneficial, I am NOT in love with him, but at 42, have I waited for my Prince long enuf?...he's 37. I have been in an email relationship for several mos ...finally we met. S. has been kind, considerate, intelligent, etc., but to my dismay he is very, very obese, life-threateningly so. He chances losing his legs due to poor circulation... I am one of 2 people to be trusted by him...I verified his sexual abuse issues, control issues, etc... 

Q. should I even consider a more ongoing relationship...S. has no one else in his world, may face death imminently due to obesity, yet he has what I NEED: companionship, financial security, and would provide someone to need ME...(I have been waiting for the Right man...but is S. him?)

Thanks!  - Cheryl

Sue's Answer:

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you for your letter. Your basic question is, "should I continue this relationship?" The answer to that is, of course, you can continue to know this person as a friend.

I think your real question is, "Should I take this person in a committed relationship, as my husband (because, of course, that's the only kind of man/woman relationship that is truly committed, and where you might have any real financial security).

There is never any one "Right Man" for anyone, Kate. Many possibilities exist for each person. You need to make a decision to make a lifetime commitment to a person only after you know them very, very well. Here are some questions for you. Please answer each one, and I will give you an
answer in more detail.

1) How long have you known this man in person? how many hours have you actually been with him in person, all together?

2) Did he tell you about his physical condition in detail before you met him?

3) Does this man live near you, so that you can see him several times a week in order to really get to know him?

4) If you made a commitment to him, would you be sexually involved with him? And, if so, would you agree to any and all of his requests?

5) How good is the communication between the two of you?

6) How much do you enjoy his company?

7) You say you need financial security. Does that mean that you don't have a job, and are not currently supporting yourself?

8) If S. does not die, but his legs are amputated, he turns out to need constant nursing care from you, and he lives for the next 30 years, can you deal with that?

Thank you for answering these questions! It will help me to provide you with a more personal answer!
Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.

Cheryl's response:

Susan,
thanks for your reply...S. lives in Bermuda - a gorgeous place to live!- so he and I can NOT really get to know one another well...immigration is vastly restricted...so I think I need to let S. go...and just be friends... I was looking to be his only `earthly rescuer`, he's so socially inept, sad, he has problems being assertive and has no REAL friends, family left...and I could use living in Paradise, but yes, all could turn out so horribly (and yet I am ambivalent, I could give him the opportunity to live.. live a little, be more accepted by others (people seemed to react more positively when I was around S.) and I could benefit from his $security, companionship. ..but I need to let him be ...just friends!
Thanks, Susan!  -- Cheryl

Sue's Answer:
Dear Cheryl,

I think you've made the right decision. It's not a good idea to give your life trying to save someone just because you're sorry for them; you could destroy your own in the process! No relationship is worth that!

Try to really get to know someone well before getting close to a commitment!

Good luck! Susan Price, M. A.

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Subject: Possible Obsessive Behavior

Question from: Tom S.

Hi Susan,
Here's my concern. Dating a middle age woman, never married. She totally adores me. So much so that I'm not sure it's normal. Most of the time it's total adoration. Then over something very minor she's ready to leave the entire relationship. Then after a day or two it's 180 degrees...She's had conflict issues at work and with some neighbors. If someone casually mentions my ex wife's name it's almost a contained rage. Even though I don't and have never given the slightest indication that I have any
feelings for my ex. Do you think I should be concerned? Are there any warning signs I should look out for? When she's good she's great. But it's the constant Roller coaster ride that has me wondering... Thank You, Tom

Sue's Answer -

Dear T,

How long have you been with this woman? Yes, I would say that there are signs you should be concerned. Make a date ahead of time to sit down and discuss the things you are concerned about.

The rules are this: you get to talk as long as you need to about what concerns you. Then she has to repeat back to you what you have said until she's gotten it right. She should say something like "If I've understood you correctly, you are concerned about..." When you believe she HAS understood, and has clearly stated your concerns, then it's her turn to talk about whatever SHE is concerned about. And you must paraphrase her concerns until SHE'S satisfied. Got it?

The reason I suggest this exercise is that it doesn't sound as though the communication between the two of you is very good. Sudden mood changes and reacting excessively in one direction or another are warning signs, as also would be her reluctance to do the kind of exercise I've just suggested.

Good luck, "Tom"!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.
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Question from: Rich

Hi Susan,
I am 48, Male, Jewish, spiritual, widowed 11 years, have two girls 20 and 24. I consider myself
grounded, stable, healthy, financially secure, loving. I am considerate about how my partner feels and what her needs may be. I am also supportive and dedicated. I do not drink or smoke and I lead a healthy life style. I know I am not perfect and am willing to learn to improve myself.

MY QUESTION:
Why are many woman focused on what a man does for a living and have a need for the man to have a professional career and make at least six figures? I am an electronics Tech that have been at my current job for 27 years. I enjoy what I do and look forward to going to work the next day. I don’t make 100,000+ but I am debt free, own my home have put my 2 daughters through school, and possibly can afford to retire at 55.So what do you think?  I thought dating was strange in my younger years... Thanks.....Rich

Sue's Answer -
Dear Rich,

It's true that SOME women are focused on a man's career and income. Most, in my experience, are not. What they DO usually care about is warmth and friendliness, and a man who pays attention to their needs.

If you are having trouble meeting prospective mates where you live, you might try one of the on-line dating services. The best, in my experience, is matchmaker.com. They have versions for every part of the country, and you can get a 10 day trial membership free. If you choose this route, be sure to fill out the essay answers in a thoughtful and complete way; that will get you much better responses! A recent photo helps, too! If you don't know how to get a photo online, write me back, and I'll explain it to you.

Believe me, there are many lonely woman out there looking for a good man! Here's another suggestion: don't hold out for a gorgeous, skinny woman many years younger than yourself, but please consider someone of your own age and physical condition.

Good luck, Rich!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.
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Question from: Myron L.

Hi, Susan,
Trying to be as short as possible. I just turned 50 this last year. I love my wife but find that I am no longer in love with her! I wonder if this too shall pass or is it real? This has continued for actually over a year and we are in the middle of a amicable divorce! One step to go and it will be final, but I have not taken that step to actually ask for the trial date. 

Does this mean I should stay married forever to someone who I get along with but no longer love? Or am I scared of change? My life has changed a lot over the last five years including job. I will retire at the end of next year and am working on finishing a doctorate!

I have had a four month affair that I did not hide from my wife. I cannot tell a lie it seems I also know that there are many wonderful ladies out there looking for a stable man to love! I will never agree to be alone and I know that I will someday remarry. Any comeback?

Susan's answer -
Dear Myron,

I do hear that you are experiencing a very unhappy dilemma! But, just the fact that you say that you still love your wife, and that you are hesitating before taking the final step toward the divorce both tell me that there is something here that can be saved.

Is your wife mentally ill or an alcoholic? Do you respect her? Do you have children together? Does she make an effort to contribute to your life? Does she love you? Does she accept your idiosyncrasies?

Sure, you can always go out and find a new (probably younger) woman, and feel that thrilling feeling of "being in love", which is mostly the passion of the new and unknown before you really get to know all the little imperfections that are part of every human being's makeup, but it is very unlikely that you will find all the shared values and history that make up your present marriage.

I have known many men, in fact, who sorely regret ending their marriages, but find when they try to return that, for one reason or another, that they cannot undo the mistake they have made.

An excellent book on the subject of making a wise decision on whether to leave or not is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's available in paperback, and goes step by step through all the reasons you SHOULD leave, and when you should NOT!

Also, have you tried a marriage therapist? If not, that would be a very important thing to do! My two conditions would be 1) that you find a GOOD one (many are not!)- ask friends or your doctor for recommendations, and 2) that you definitely need to go together! Going to two therapists is like going to two lawyers: they have an incentive to come up with opposing points of view.

Unless you have truly tried everything you can to give this marriage a chance, you will always know that it may have failed because you didn't give it your all! Believe me, there ARE ways to revive romance in a long term marriage. And if you leave, you may find that that in the future some other man may find your wife to be a "wonderful lady" and sweep her away.

Good luck, Myron! Keep me posted, and feel free to ask any further questions you'd like!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.

Feedback from Myron:

Ms. Price is very wise. She answered my questions, posing some of her own for me to ponder as well. She helped me to see from different sides, without feeling guilty or demeaning. Thanks to a very wise lady of the times!

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I am 43 years old. I split up from my husband of 10 years almost 4 years ago. I am a teaching professional, own my own house and drive a brand new car. I was dating a man I dated some 18 years ago, but we recently split up. Some of the reasons were because he felt he could not match what I had to offer (house, money to spend, etc...). There was also a 14-yearage difference between him and I (he was older). I am really crushed over this because I felt a strong connection towards him and really thought he was "the one". I especially dread the thought of having to date again and be worried that the same thing might happen. Could you give me advice on how to speed up my breakup mourning and tell me how I can stop hoping he'll call?

My first question to you would be, if you really felt such a strong connection with this man, why did you let him get away without doing everything you could to let him know how you felt? If his having less money or prestige was worrying to him, but not to you, it would of great importance to let him know this very clearly and in a heartfelt way! Would you consider contacting him to have one last meeting to let him know how you truly feel?

It is all right to take charge of giving the relationship one last chance yourself; then you'll know if it's truly over and if he doesn't want to talk to you again; perhaps that will help with letting go of hoping he'll call!

Breakup mourning is not easy and takes some time. If this relationship is truly over, please don't rush right out to find someone else! You need time to go back to your center, to relearn who you are. Give it at least six months!

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love, only grace. Nothing is simple, but if you close yourself up because you are afraid of being hurt again, you will ultimately lose, because your heart and spirit won't be truly open to new possibilities.

Life was never meant to be easy, I believe, but we can be grateful if it is challenging, we are working hard at learning, and we are gaining some wisdom from our experiences.

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