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Former Questions and Answers, With Dr. Belove:
Subject: Boyfriend's mother disapproves Question from: Nancy C.
Dear Dr. Belove,
I am 40 and separated. I have been seriously involved with a 35
year old man for over a year. My problem is that I am an American and he is from an Asian
country. This is only a problem for his mom. Due to this, I have not been introduced to
her yet. He attends any family functions that he has alone. His parents know that he is
with a woman, but disapprove because I am American. My whole family knows and loves him.
He is a professional man. He says that several years ago he brought a woman to meet his
mom, and she was terribly rude to his guest. As a result, he did not speak to her for
months. He does not want this to happen again, so he avoids the issue. I feel that if he
really loves me, he would force the issue and say, "Hey, this is who I love, accept
her or else." Any advice you can give me on how to deal with this would be greatly
appreciated. Thank you.
Answer: Dear Nancy,
Thanks so much for writing. You
really are in a pickle of a situation. A year invested in this relationship and now the
dreadful test of acceptance…which you fail on ethnic grounds. Very difficult.
You end your inquiry with the statement, "I feel that if he really loves me, he
would force the issue and say hey, this is who I love, accept her or else." I read
that and said, "Oh my goodness, this woman is only going to make things worse."
This is a very dangerous statement for you to make. You could seriously damage your future
prospects with this man if you haven’t already.
You have asked him to give his mother an ultimatum; exactly what he told you he
didn’t want to do. And, in the process of insisting that he give his mother an
ultimatum you have given him an ultimatum. I think that is a bad idea. First, he is his
mother’s son, and probably just as stubborn. Second, you are not the first woman who
has lost out in the battle with his mother. I think there are better strategies.
You do not want to force this issue to a head on your timing. This has to be on HIS
timing. My advice is that you calm down and back off
your ultimatum. Tell your dear friend that you regret having demanded he take such a
strong action. Tell him that you understand that you really don’t know his mother and
don’t really understand the best ways to work with her. Ask him what his plans are.
Be prepared to listen, just listen, to all of his ideas. Remember, of all people on earth,
he is probably the expert in dealing with this difficult woman. Your future with him will
depend on your ability to stand by him as he works this out.
Finally, be more honest with yourself and him about your own issues here. Are you
feeling disrespected? What is the effect of this situation on you and on your self-esteem?
How much of your unfinished business with your divorce is worked into this? Please think
about these things.
Thanks again, Philip Belove, Ed.D.
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Subject: Online relationship and sex Question from: Sandi R.
Dear Dr. Belove,
I am 40 and have been talking
online with a guy who is 41 years old for about 3 months now (will be almost 5 by the time
we meet next month). We are both volunteer message board monitors for a website, and
were introduced to each other by another monitor who felt we had a lot in common. I
live in California and he lives in New Jersey. We both have daughters (mine is 10,
his is 15); I am divorced he has never been married.
He calls me every day, sometimes
twice a day, and we have grown relatively close over that time. There have been no
proclamations of love or anything like that, but I am not stupid and know that his
interest in me is more than casual. :) We do not discuss anything sexual and he has
been most respectful and a true gentleman in every way. We are looking forward to
meeting and I have mentioned to him that I plan to move to the East Coast sometime next
summer or fall.
I am taking a trip to visit
relatives on the East Coast over the holidays and he is scheduled to drive down to meet me
and my people. My question to you is this: At what point does conversation about sex
enter the picture? I anticipate that something more intimate would happen during my trip,
but not necessarily sex... but it might because I'll be there 2.5 weeks! We are both
mature adults, but I am not looking for a quick fling. How do you suggest I handle
physical things like kissing or the sexual issue should it come up? Is it too silly
to avoid having sex with the man at our age or is the issue of early sex and its negative
impact on a relationship still something I need to worry about?
This is a great guy and I could
really see something serious happening between us. I don't want to mess it up by
being either too shy about the sex issue, or too forward and have him think I am some sort
of slut. Help!
Answer: Dear Sandi,
Sounds like you correctly
understand the sexual tension in this situation and you want to know whether - and to what
extent - you should act on it. Let me take your
questions in order:
First question: At what point does
conversation about sex enter the picture? My answer: In
a face to face relationship, it would have already entered the picture. That you would ask
points out one of the weirdnesses of email. There are real surprises (or shocks) in store
for you. Please prepare yourself. Experts generally estimate that 60 to 80% of all
communication is non-verbal. E-mail effectively filters out 60%-80% of the information you
would need about a person to get a sense of them. There was a story in The New Yorker,
years ago (and I can’t remember name or title) about a woman who was in a
coast-to-coast email relationship and she finally met this man when he came to New York
and had dinner with her. She found herself at dinner, bored silly, and wishing she could
hurry home and check the email from him! She was missing communication from the same man
who was across table from her. So if your familiarity and comfort rating with this man is
80 on a scale of 100, be prepared for it to readjust downward.
Your second question: How do you
suggest I handle physical things like kissing or the sexual issue should it come up?
My answer: There are two kinds of sex talk, sex talk as
foreplay (talking about sexy things) and sex talk as safety negotiations (stating directly
or indirectly your policies about these matters.)
I recommend being very out front
about the sex question with this man. In fact, I think that before you have sex you should
establish very clearly the capacity of your partner for extremely honest communication
about the relationship.
The only exception to this rule
that I can think of is the practice of "sport fucking," as some call it. I
don’t recommend the practice but I know some people who do this also like to get
intoxicated, and really aren’t interested in doing much consciously. But if you care
anything about the relationship, then you have to establish some ground rules about open
communication before, after and during sex.
There are a several big reasons for
this. First, of course, is the requirement of the "safe sex conversation".
Absolutely necessary, unless you have some kind of death wish. Second is for the sake of
eroticism. Frank and explicit and loving conversations between lovers will create
emotional safety and also fuel passion.
The third reason is that all new
relationships go through a rhythm change once intercourse happens. The "just do
it" hormones quiet down and people see each other more completely. In men, when
testosterone subsides, a shyness is revealed. In the light of the day after, many people
take a big step backwards. The relationship has entered a new phase and the big question
in the air is, "Okay, where do we go from here?"
And that is a stressful question.
It is an inevitable question. But if you think about it, you can see how much iffyness it
conjures. What does it mean that we’ve had sex? What will it say about us if we
don’t have sex again? What are we doing here?
In the face of this stressful
iffyness people are tempted to force a resolution. They either try to make the
relationship more than it is, or less than it is, to get even closer or to take a big step
backwards. And often as not, when one steps backwards, the other moves forward. It is a
time when suddenly you both need a safety net, namely solid communication. Establish it
before sex.
Your third question: Is it too
silly to avoid having sex with the man at our age or is the issue of early sex and its
negative impact on a relationship still something I need to worry about? My answer: I think I’ve answered this question already, in part. Yes. You
do need to worry about its impact, as I said above. But it is an impact you can manage
with a little planning.
As to whether it’s silly to
avoid sex at your age, no, it’s not. At your age you only have to answer to yourself.
An important part of maturing is learning to stop feeling silly about who you really are.
Now, if you are going to make a decision, consider both sides.
Let’s talk about the possibility that, because you are so far apart geographically,
and because you also have developed so much affection, and because you will be together
for 2.5 weeks, you will have sex. You said you
didn’t want to have a short fling. Yet, there is a real possibility that that is
exactly what you will have. There is simply no telling. Not in two and half weeks there
isn’t.
So suppose all your safety
considerations are satisfied. You have good communication, safe sex, and good chemistry
when you are both there in the flesh. Suppose you decide to go forward. Now you have entered the risk area of it being only-a-fling. It
would seem to me that the best way to make sure it is more than only-a-fling is to make
sure that it is a great and wonderful,
remember-it-with-a-smile-for-the-rest-of-your-life-fling. It also seems that this is a
deal you could make with each other.
If you are dating at midlife, you
are exploring uncharted territory!
Sincerely, Dr. Belove
Feedback
from Sandi: Wow, what a thorough, insightful, logical, clear and informative
response to my question. This guy is fantastic!
Back to top
Subject: Sex on a first date? Question:
from Rachel R.
Dear Dr. Belove,
I am 46 and about three years age I got a divorce, was married
24 years to one man, and I never thought I’d be in this situation. I am going to meet
a guy this Sunday for the first time, and I am scared to death, literally, I am afraid of
rejection, however, I am not sure that I want a relationship either...well I do want one,
but I am not sure how to get it going. I just want pointers on what to say, not that I
want to jump in the sack with him or marry him; it would just be nice to have a companion
once again. As you can probably tell when I get nervous I babble, and it is obvious that I
am upset. So, can you help me? I know things have changed a lot since I was a kid and
dated. What is appropriate and not on a first date????
I have friends that sleep with men right off and move right
into a relationship from there, but I am, I guess, from the old school. You don’t
kiss on the first date, mother pounded that one into me, and I just feel that way. But I
don’t want to be a prude either. I am so confused here. But I have secluded myself
since the divorce, and I am miserable being alone now. Please advise,
Rachel
Answer: Dear Rachel,
First, calm down. Second, don’t worry about rejection. Don’t make this a
test of anything more than basic social skills. He doesn’t and won’t know you
well enough to reject you. Rejection comes after months. (We could talk more about this.)
Don’t even plan on sex (unless you don’t care whether
or not you see him again afterwards.) Plan on NOT having sex. Decide that before you even
go out and stick to it. Don’t even smooch. What’s appropriate on a first date is
seeing whether or not you want to go on a second date. That’s it.
It’s okay to think about having sex. It’s good to
think about it. When you make your decision, you have a trusted
coach/therapist/friend/group to help you make your decision. You know about safe sex, I
imagine, and you will take care of yourself as far as that is concerned. But the key word
for SANE sex is HALT. Don’t have sex if the only reason you are having it is because
you are Hurt, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This is not being prudish, merely prudent.
It’s a jungle out there, it really is. Everyone
operates on his or her own rules and you have to be pretty savvy. Let me know if there’s anything else. Respectfully yours,
Philip
Feedback from Rachel: Thank you so much, I feel
exactly the same way, but after speaking with several friends, they were telling me to go
for it and have sex if nothing more, that was never my intention, and I am so relieved
that your advice was along my ideas of dating, I am not so backwards after all. Thank you
so much again.
Back to
top
Subject: A man who keeps his distance From: Cara D.
Dear Dr. Belove,
My boyfriend is an expert here in
the Science area. My question is regarding our relationship, which has me quite
perplexed. I am in my mid-forties, and he is in his late fifties. He has been
married and divorced twice, and had a live-in girlfriend after the second marriage
ended. I met him soon after that ended.
We are both educators - he at the university level, and I at the elementary level. We have
dated just over a year and it was just a few weeks ago that he told me he loved me. I am
also in love with him. This relationship is not like any I have experienced.
With a distance of 40 miles between us, we usually see each other once a week. He
seems content with that. I need more. For much of the past year, he has discussed
our going places together. They never materialize. However, he does many of these
things with friends. Our dates are mainly staying in and eating a meal - then spending the
night together. We part early the next morning, even if it is the weekend (his
doing). I generally feel ignored by him, and we only talk on the phone once a
week. He has many friends, which I am happy about. I too have many and know
the importance of maintaining friendships. He has gone on vacation, and though he
said he would call to say goodbye, he never did. This is typical for him. He is a
highly intelligent man, and I wonder if more pressing things occupy his mind and he
forgets much of what he tells me. In addition, he is in his late fifties- as I
mentioned. I know he has had 3 bad relationships and may feel he must keep his
distance. I don't know whether to begin seeing other men. It was just 3 weeks
ago that he told me I was the love of his life. I
love him, yet I am unhappy.
Are the things I describe about him common for an older,
intellectual man who has had several failed
relationships? I don't know what I should do. Thanks
and I am sorry to make it so long.
Answer: Dear Cara,
Your question was quite to the point
and clear. It sounds like you have a physical and
sexual relationship with him and that is profoundly satisfying for him. The two of you
make a love nest, a home base for him. He has compartmentalized that part of his life and
his relationship with you goes in that compartment. He grows more and more fond of you,
apparently, or so he says. So something good is developing between you. But you are
unsatisfied.
You are excluded from the rest of his life. You do not
share friendships with him. You and he do not appear as a couple. You do not go out
together. He vacations without you. He sees friends without you. Your position is that of
his lover, but not his partner. You love him but what
you have with him is not enough for you and your life. You want more. Now what?
Your situation is reaching a critical point. You will have
to have a long talk with him about the state of your relationship. Do it soon, before you
get too angry. You might be quite angry already. But best to stay calm. The matter is
simple, I believe. The relationship, as it now stands, lovely as it is, is simply not
sufficient for you.
This is an opportunity for you to
clarify your goals. I would think you would want more of a
partnership, more of a shared life. This may be more than he can
give you. I suspect it is. If he’s settled into a certain routine
with you, chances are, this is how he currently wants it.
You might be able to revise this
relationship. It will take some commitment and, probably, if the
transition isn’t smooth, your relationship will whither. I advise
you to look seriously toward starting to date again and gently
inform the man that things are going to change.
As to whether his behavior is typical
of an older intellectual man with several failed relationships the
answer is …. I don’t know if it is typical, but it is
characteristic. It is the sort of thing a man with several failed
relationships would do. It would work for him. He has his
compartmentalized and comfortable life. The arrangement for him is
very stable. The more important question is whether it would be
acceptable to you.
Good luck, Cara! - Sincerely, Philip Belove
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Subject: A midlife crisis.
From: John L.
Dear Dr. Philip,
I am 45 yrs old. I was in a long term
relationship with a woman, and she asked me to move out. Friday, which was three days
before the deadline she gave me, I came home from work to find the front of the house
littered with black plastic garbage bags which turned out to be filled with some of my
things. The locks had been changed and a terse note taped to the door which advised me to
remove my things within 48 hours. She took the majority of my things and either gave them
away or sold them.
I did not deserve this treatment. I could not work, could not
concentrate. I was alone homeless and very overwhelmed. I am employed. I helped with the living expenses. I purchased things for the
home, like a stove, dishwasher, TV and other things. I remodeled the bathroom. I don't
drink or do drugs. I never fooled around. I helped her mother out. I was a friend to
her daughter, and participated in parent teacher conferences and her church.
We did have problems. I was coming out of a bad stretch in my life
where I was unemployed for a long time (2-3 yrs) and did not have my finances in order,
nor did I have a lot of stuff. And due to prior cancer treatment I was not able to perform
sexually as often as she would like.
But I gave what I had freely and without
reservation. I endured her taunts about my sexual performance, and her ridicule about my
financial situation. She was always super concerned about her physical appearance. I was
never in her league and she would let me know it.
Now that this situation has passed, I feel like
I will never marry or have a family. I do not date and don’t know anyone to ask out.
Even if I did I would not inflict myself on them. I am ashamed and embarrassed. So I
guess I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. There is still an empty place
in my heart. I have no family, and those friends I thought I had are lining up to
make time with the ex.
Oh, I am in counseling, but the counselor is not
helping. I am getting angrier and angrier. I am acting out and saying and doing things
that hurt people. I am forgetting to pay bills. my life is falling apart. I cannot sleep,
I binge eat and I am gaining weight. I am spending all of my time alone. I do not
know anyone to even go out for coffee with.
Will I get past this? Will I find someone? What
do I do? Please help.
John
Answer: Dear John,
Welcome to one hell of a midlife crisis. Will you get through it? Yes. Will you find someone? Yes. What do I
do? Read on.
Yes. You will get through it if you don’t
do something self-destructive. One day you will look back on this
and shake your head and smile. You’re not the first guy to go through this wringer
and, from my own experience, let me tell you, it is hell.
You will find someone but you have just been
through the Last Immature Relationship Before the Crisis. If
you do your inner work, your next relationship will be a vast improvement. I can tell you
a few things.
Your counselor isn’t helping? You did the
right thing by getting a second opinion. Get a third one if you need to. One
of the terrible things about a midlife crisis is that, in the end, it forces you to find
your own way out of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t need support. A
counselor can support you, can help you, can keep your spirits up, can calm you down
somewhat, and can help you keep thinking while you are swamped with emotions. But you are
the one who has to work through all those terrible realizations yourself.
You say your counselor is not helping because
you are getting angrier and angrier. (At least I infer that from your last
paragraph.) If I’ve read you right, I have bad news for you. Your task at
this point in the crisis is to thoughtfully and honestly realize just how angry you are
and what about. The problem is not that you are angry. The problem is that you can’t
deal with how angry you are. Do you see the difference?
From my experience in dealing with this midlife
crisis both in myself and as a professional, I find that tangled up in all that anger,
like gold wire in a confusing trash heap, are some powerful personal truths. I
always trust and respect strong anger. It’s distilling out the inner meaning
that’s the hard work. And that’s the work you need to do.
If you are angry to the point of not being able
to function, then there is a part of your soul that is on strike and demanding you sit
down and deal. As to the messy ending of your last
relationship (What a story!), that is another area where you have a lot to review
and think about. She sounds quite formidable and also determined to dump you from her
life. It’s a kick in the ass. In other cases I’ve looked at (can’t
say about yours), it’s often a much needed kick in the ass.
Your story sounds like an example of that one
relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well,
you’re hard pressed to be able to say. These relationships are intense and
exhausting and when they are done you say, "I’ll not do that again." They
are a kind of hitting bottom.
One of your tasks in counseling was to figure
out what it was that woman had that you felt you needed so desperately that you would go
into a relationship that was so demanding for you. You'll need to really think this
one through because it's something you want desperately, sounds like. This is a big piece
of your puzzle.
You also need some relationship survival skills.
Here’s one strong suggestion. Please listen with an open mind. There is an
organization called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I know, I know, the name is
pretty intense and calls to mind creepy people. But actually they are a pretty smart
group. What’s good about it is that there are a lot of people there who have
been eaten alive by relationship experiences. You can go to the meetings and sit quietly
and hear people’s stories and hear what they have done to get back on their feet.
They have some pretty interesting literature and have evolved through trial and error a
number of very solid ways to get your relationship life under control. It’s an
awfully strong adjunct to counseling. The best part is that there are people there who
were really crazy around this stuff five, ten years ago and who have regained sanity. They
can give you the wisdom of their experience (the good ones speak strictly from their own
experience and that’s worth a lot). It’s very fortifying. Thanks.
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Followup:
Dear Dr. Belove, Why do I
want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one? My friend the astrologer says
that it is possible we will reconcile. What do I do about those thoughts? I cannot
even think of going out in public much less dating. Should I wait for her to come to her
senses? I would be willing to do so. Please help-------
Answer to Follow-up: Hi,
John -
You asked the perfect question:
"Why do I want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one?" I
think it could take you several hours to come up with that answer. It was the question I
asked you in my answer to you.
I said, "Your story sounds like an example
of what I’ve been called The Last Immature Relationship. Often happens on the
verge of the midlife transition and its failure is a kind of wake-up call. It’s that
one relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well,
you’re hard pressed to be able to say."
I can tell you why people in general fall into
that particular emotional whirlpool. I can’t tell you what your answer to that
question should be. You must work with a therapist to draw that answer forth from your
gut.
What happens in relationships like that is that
you believe that this is the person who has what you need to complete your life. There is
something in them that is missing, oh so missing, in you. You feel it as a precisely
shaped emptiness that only this precisely shaped personality can fill. Here is someone who
can take you to that place that you have wanted to get to all your life. It is a place you
know and love. Yet you feel powerless to get there by yourself. Yet you know exactly where
it is. You have dreams about it and about being there with her, the one.
And, of course, this is young love and it is
fierce, and compelling and wonderful and painful. It is the kind of love that very young
people would die for. It is Romeo and Juliet love, awesome and glorious and totally
consuming. It is also somewhat blinding in its glory. It is a dream
of the future and you see it. What you do not see is the discouragement that comes with
it. Even though it is your dream, you do not believe you can achieve it without her. That
is the misapprehension.
What is true for right now is that you cannot
even imagine life without her. She inspires you. She inspires you so completely that
you forget that it is your vision. She actually has a very different vision for her future
and that is why she rejects you so forcefully.
Don’t think she will come to her senses.
She believes that she came to her senses by throwing you out. She was sick of you and your
dream for her future. She has a different vision of the future and it is incompatible with
your vision. With you around, she couldn’t even think of her goals and wishes for
herself.
You, on the other hand, couldn’t think of
your goals and wishes for yourself without her. You needed her to activate your dreams.
And that is your problem. You don’t know how to keep your dreams alive without her.
In my opinion, this is what a therapist ought to help you with. He ought to
help you disentangle your vision from its dependence on her.
If your therapist tells you to forget about her,
you will resist because you are afraid if you forget about her you will forget about your
glimpse of happiness. You are afraid that without her you cannot imagine happiness for
yourself. While it is true that she uniquely helps you
imagine happiness for yourself, it is also true that you can learn to do this without her.
But you don’t understand this yet. Does this help you?
Best, Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Feedback: While painful, it was refreshing to finally
understand some things. I am grateful for your clarity, honesty and insight. Thanks! -
John L.
Back to top
Subject: Noisy Biological clock Question from: Daisy M.
Dear Dr. Belove,
I am a 41 yr old woman who just got out of a 7 year bad
relationship. Before that I was married for 8 years but he died in a car accident. Now I'm
new to the dating scene, and late (although I had been trying the first 10 years) in have
a child, I am now "antsy" about finding someone and starting a family. I have
been dating a great guy now for 3 months and he knows how I feel. I've left the topic
alone for some time now but come after the holidays i plan to see where the relationship
stands and bail out if he's not on the same path as I. My question is . . . Is 4 months
time enough to give someone (at my age) to decide what they want out of the relationship.
As you know my clock is "banging" forget about the ticking!!!
Answer: Dear Daisy,
Your question was "Is 4 months enough time to give someone
to decide…." could be answered in terms of whether it is enough time for him or
whether it is enough time for you. They are separate issues. You have to address them
separately and think of them that way. Otherwise you will be confused as you address this
difficult decision.
I suspect you are not ready to create a long term stable
relationship with a new man. I don’t know how long you are out of your last
relationship but, if it was as bad as you hint, then you need some time to get reoriented.
A little therapy about how you got into that mess would help prepare you for this work.
Midlife people form relationships with much more caution and
wariness than younger adults.
But if he is a great guy, then bring the topic up for a joint
decision. "If you love me, or think you could, then help me think this through. I
want children and I feel my biological clock ticking. At the same time, I really
don’t want to force you into that kind of intense commitment. I want the father of my
child to care are me and the child as much as I will. So, my friend, there are three
possibilities: yes, no, maybe. If you can tell by now that this relationship does not have
long term possibilities, let’s break up and be friends and let me continue on my
search. If you think maybe it could, let’s keep looking at it and see whether we can
know. Or perhaps you want to chose the third - you don’t think we are ready for
that call now. "
One way to talk about this is for you both to share your
visions of the future. You seem to see yourself raising a child with a partner. Or maybe
you see yourself raising a child, partner or not. How does he see himself in the future?
This is an interesting conversation for the both of you. If you
like him enough to consider sharing parenting with him, you should then at least be able
to share the musings about those possibilities.
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Feedback from Daisy: He is a very bright,
caring, compassionate and very helpful in helping you "find a way", "look
from a different perspective" and reach a decision!
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