|
More
Real Life Questions and Answers with Dr. Belove
The
Dangers of Dating the Newly Divorced
Dear Dr. Belove, I met someone online and have talked off and on
for about 3 1/2 months. During the last 3 weeks, we have dated 4
times. This guy came on pretty strong from the beginning which
repelled me at first after which I decided to see what happened.
I became attached to him unfortunately because he was very
affectionate, complimentary and attentive. His divorce became
final a few days ago and he seems like a different person. Is
this normal for this to happen? How could he be so needy several
days ago but change now? I feel like he tricked me. Any
feedback, please, I feel hurt. thanks, Danielle.
Dear Danielle,
Yes it's normal. Here is how it works: in his neediness and
eagerness to get out of his old situation his heart latches on
to you and pulls hard.
Technically, this is called triangling behavior. He was using
one relationship (with you) to help him disconnect from another
relationship (his ex.) It's practically impossible to
tell what a relationship could be like when the only way it has
existed is as one leg of a triangle.
Then, triangle gone, he gets divorced. For him divorce could
have felt like his first breath of free air. So he pulls back
from you.
It's probably easy to see this in retrospect. Now you can see
that your first instinct, to distrust his intensity, was
correct. So go easy on yourself. A man in need can be
very, very sweet and make himself extremely attractive.
This is a form of mating dance. It's very intense and
biological. The men and women who get captured by the mating
dance tend to believe whatever they need to believe in order to
do the dance. When you're in it, it feels like it's real. And
then, it's over. You then get to see what's really real. That is
often a shock to people.
Courtship and mating dances are fun and easy. Really getting
into a relationship is hard. You guys just got to a much more
real level and he froze. For someone just out a marriage,
he's wise not to jump into another serious relationship.
You took a chance. Don't take it personally. But learn
what you need to learn.
Thanks for writing,
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Back
to top
Getting
over a toxic relationship
Dear Dr. Belove, I have been in a relationship with a man for
the past 3 years. He has been divorced twice and we have broken
up 3 times in that 3 year period. My problem is getting over
him. He lives 3 blocks away was my first real relationship since
my divorce.
I know this relationship is doomed. He will not commit. He
says he never plans on getting married. He has been hurt enough.
These other women cheated on him. However, i never have and
never did.
I always call him about 3 months later and get the somewhat
relationship restarted again. And I don't want do that again.
Marcia
Hi Marcia,
Welcome to dating at midlife. Go easy on yourself. It's
lonely out there. Leaving your marriage was not an easy
decision. He makes himself safe by keeping intimacy at a
distance. You make yourself safe by seeking a relationship with
a man who won't let you get closer than arm's length.
You are in stage one of a process. The task of stage one is
to start taking those questions of yours seriously.
They sound like complaints Why do I always call him three
months later? How can I get over this way of conducting my
relationship life? Why do it accept somewhat relationships? Am I
recovered from my divorce?. They are serious and thoughtful
questions your Soul is asking you.
In Stage Two of Dating at Midlife, you will stop and give
serious thought to those questions and answer them. You will get
acquainted with your own psychology and learn how to work with
it. You will learn to be extremely honest with yourself. You
will calm down and become more forgiving. This is preparation
for the relationship you really want, the one that will really
make you happy.
There are better relationships possible for you, wouldn't you
think? Look upon this as an early draft of a much more important
story you are going to write for yourself.
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Back
to top
Problem:
I don’t want to be a mere convenience, I want to be special.
Dear Dr. Belove,
I will try and be brief but this one is a doozy! I have been
divorced for almost 2 years now and am at the point in my 39th
year of life that a companion or steady boyfriend is something I
desire. I have warded off marriage forever but companionship
would be very nice. In March of this year, I met a man who owned
an antique store. We made a connection and have been dating for
months. His only days off are on Mon and Tues. The only time I
see him is Mon. nights. I have always had a hot meal ready for
him, hot sex and he spends the night and goes home in the
morning. He has taken me out only once. I have never been
invited to his home, no, he’s not married
His days off consist of heavy labor on his home. His shop is the
barn. It’s in a small town. When I say things to him like,
“I love being with you, all he says is “That’s good”.
He will not really open up to me and I would think that if he
was not interested, he would stop wasting his time and mine. I
don’t want to be a mere convenience, I want to be special. Is
there something wrong with my judgment? I’ve been in
exploitive relationships before.
- Doris
Dear Doris.
I think you summarized the situation well in your last
paragraph. You simply got less than you bargained for. But not
much. You said you wanted companionship but not marriage. You
have a relationship that gives you companionship and sex but no
chance of marriage.. He will really not open up to you, just as
you said. You’re right. Cigar, but no closeness
It is not a waste of his time. He has a relationship that suits
the life he’s designed.
The midlife project involves 1) discovering what we really want
and 2) going after it. Sometimes we don’t know what will or
won’t satisfy until we’ve had a little experience with it.
I’m willing to bet that this relationship seemed like an
improvement at first. Now you are figuring out that it isn’t
quite enough.
There is a joke, “When I was little I wanted to grow up and be
somebody. I should have been more specific.” You said you
wanted companionship but not marriage. Now you are learning that
you are going to have to be more specific.
Your judgment seems okay. Just needs a little more refining. The
way to do that is to continue to explore and be open to
learning, i.e., making safe, and instructive mistakes.
Best wishes,
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Back
to top
Question:
Will something nice ever happen to me?
Dr. Belove,
I just got out of a very exhausting relationship and I hurt. I
have five questions. I think I'm a handful.
Does one get so
damaged after awhile from the accumulated hurt that it
interferes in all further relationships and shows on one's face?
Should I refrain from any contact --not even an email etc? Is
this a necessary part of healing and why do people have to stop
speaking if they are no longer involved?
Should a woman always wait until the man calls to be sure he is
interested and she hasn't forced the issue?
Can you tell if I am one of the "faulty" people who
just are left out of the loop and will be alone forever?
Will something nice happen to me?
Dolores
Dear Dolores,
Thanks for your heartfelt handful of questions. I'll take them
one at a time.
Does one get so damaged after awhile from the accumulated
hurt that it interferes in all further relationships and shows
on one's face?
Here is a quote from the February, 2003, newsletter:
What does it mean to mature?
We all struggle with this question. Here is one
of my favorite quotes about this. It’s from the movie
(misleadingly named) The Big Kahuna, written by Roger Rueff and
starring Kevin Spacey and Danny Devito and Peter Facinelli.
These are the closing words of the movie. Phil, who is in his
50’s, is speaking to Bob, a man in his early 20’s.
Phil: You asked about character and the question is
deeper. You asked me if you had any character and the answer is
you do not for the simple reason that you do not regret
anything.
Bob: Are you saying I do not have any character
until I do something I regret?
Phil: No Bob, I’m saying you have already done
plenty things to regret. You just don’t know what they are.
It’s when you discover them, when you see the folly in
something you have done and you wish that you had to do it over
but you know you can’t because it’s too late so you pack
that thing up and you carry it with you to remind you that life
goes on. The world will spin without you. You really don’t
matter in the end. Then you will attain character because
honesty will rush out from inside and tattoo itself across your
face. Until that day, however, you can not expect to go beyond a
certain point.
So I think it does show on your face and that’s a good
thing. However the hurt has to resolve itself into some kind of
radical honesty. I’m sure we could have a very interesting
conversation about this, but we must move on.
Should I refrain from any contact --not even an email etc?
Is this a necessary part of healing and why do people have to
stop speaking if they are no longer involved
There is such a thing as “the emotional rinse
cycle.” You need time away to re-arrange your position on the
relationship. Sometimes you need help in re-arranging your
position. It takes a level of deep personal honesty and
sometimes you can’t get to that level without a skilled and
insightful conversation partner. And sometimes it is best simply
to never go back. I’ve seen it work out lots of different
ways. If you’ve really been treated badly and if the person is
non-apologetic or oblivious, then you can’t expect anything
different. But even then you might want to face him and
have your say. I don't have a simple answer to your
question. It depends.
Should a woman always wait until the man calls to be sure
he is interested and she hasn't forced the issue?
No. There a millions of ways to read the level of
interest a man may hold. Relationships at midlife are
negotiated. There is an element of the old flirtation and mating
dance, but usually that is about the sex part. As far as
intentions for a long term relationships, those things are best
read by observing how the conversation goes. You can tell how
searching, fearless and utterly honest it is possible to be in a
conversation with someone. And that is the best measure of what
you can expect in a long term relationship. You’re not going
to find that out if you wait for the phone calls.
Can someone date you and be intimate for almost 3 years
and forget you or say it meant nothing? Is this possible?
No, it’s not possible. More likely you are running
into avoidance and withdrawal and distrust. But that is also
important information. You may be responsible for some of
his reactions. I mean, in a less mature relationship, people
react to each other’s reactions. That’s what makes those
relationships seem so nuts. He may be reacting to your fears
with his own fears and that, in turn may be making you more
fearful. One of the advantages of having a relationship
coach/counselor like me is that the coach can calm you down and
help you be at your best. He may or may not come
around again. He may not have enough solid inner self to do it.
Your question to yourself is why you got involved with someone
with such a weak core.
Can you tell if I am one of the "faulty" people
who just are left out of the loop and will be alone forever?
There is a certain amount of growing up midlife people
have to do in order to attract a relationship at the next higher
level. You don’t sound faulty but you do sound like you have
some inner work to do. How you are might have been
perfectly adequate for a younger single person. Maturity makes
higher demands. If it’s any comfort, there are a lot of
midlife people who, erroneously, think they are faulty. Let me
tell, the demands of the midlife single scene are far more
complex than those of the young person’s single scene. I could
go into it in detail and It’s the first chapter of my book.
So, not now.
Will something nice happen to me?
Oh dear this is a sad little question. Of course it
will. Many nice things have already happened to you. This kind
of stuff (Nice things happening) goes on all the time, so much
that we tend to take it for granted, like sunny days. What’s
sad about your question is the smallness of it. You probably
mean, “Will something totally satisfying, exciting and heart
filling happen to me?” You have to be 100% honest with
yourself about what you want. You'll find that if you
confidently expect the best in your interactions with others,
you'll get their best. And if their best isn't enough to sustain
you, you can still be at your best, but you don't have to live
there.
Thanks again,
Philip
Back
to top
Love
or Lust?
Problem:
I am 48 and I think that I am in love with a man of 60 but he is
not in love with me. We are so physically attracted to one
other. I can't seem to get enough of him. I want to make love
with all the time. What is my problem? I am I in love or I am I
in lust?
-
Dorothy
Hi Dorothy,
Thanks for writing. Very good question. It comes up a lot in
midlife romances and I appreciate the chance to think about it
once again.
Lately I’ve been thinking that the distinction between love
and lust isn’t terribly useful. Most of the time I’ve seen
it used, someone is getting hammered on for thinking it’s love
when it’s “really” lust.
Any relationship worth staying in needs both. And they are
not mutually exclusive, either. More of one does not imply less
of the other.
Sounds like the lust part is working real well for you.
Lust is bonding. It takes a while to develop a good
understanding with a lover and then, when you do, no one else is
going to be all that interesting or attractive. Steady,
successful, satisfying sex has a lot to recommend it. It’s
good for you. So at least you know you are having sex with
someone you like, who likes you.
That part works, you say, so the trouble is that the guy
doesn’t love you. I’m not sure what that means in your
case. Does it mean he doesn’t want to move in? Does it mean he
wants other lovers? Does it mean he promises never to marry you?
Maybe it means that he simply isn’t as vulnerable to you as
you are to him. For you, he gets less and less replaceable and
for him, that doesn’t seem to be the case. He maintains
the pose that he wouldn’t miss you if you were gone, at least
not as much as you think you’d miss him. And maybe that’s
true and maybe it’s not. A lot of times the one in a
relationship who has the cavalier attitude turns out to be the
one more devastated by the loss. His casual attitude might just
be a very convincing pose. Some times older people do that
as if that would protect their heart.
Your question, “what is my problem?” wasn’t all that
specific. But if I take it literally, maybe it was. Maybe
you are in a situation of trying to figure out exactly what the
problem is. After all, the way you define the problem more or
less determines how it will be solved.
So maybe you’ve asked the perfect question: What is the
problem here?
Is it a problem that you think you’ll feel bad if it ends and
he won’t feel bad? Or is it just that if he leaves (and
he might) you’ll be left feeling very sad, maybe hurt, and
maybe other bad ways to feel?
You can see that these are two very different kinds of problem.
Perhaps the most helpful thing would be to give you a few
additional ways to think about this relationship.
When you ask an either/or question (lust or love), you obscure a
lot of useful information.
For example, you might ask yourself whether if you did leave
this relationship, would you be glad you did, six months down
the line?
How good do you think your bidding hand is in the big game of
dating at midlife? Do you think that in six months you could do
better than you have?
How much do you think you owe him, if you decide to consider
that question while still enjoying the benefits of this
relationship? Or would you have a hard time reconciling that
opportunistic attitude with your sense of yourself?
Do you particularly want another relationship?
Does it matter to you that he doesn’t love you if he is
content to stay in the relationship? Or would you feel that you
lost out on something really important in your life if you
don’t go find that true love.
Would you look back on this relationship 25 years from now and
regret the time spent?
I could go on but you get the idea. Please let me know what
happens.
Sincerely,
Philip
Back
to top |
Why
it's different