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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Welcome to the

In scenery I like flat country.
In life I don’t like much to happen.
In personalities I like mild colorless people.
And in colors I prefer gray and brown.
My wife, a vivid girl from the mountains,
Says, "Then why did you choose me?"
Mildly I lower my brown eyes –
There are so many things admirable people do not understand.

-- William Stafford.

---

In this essay we’re going to think about composing one of those Internet personal ads. These days running one of those ads can cost around $25.00 a month and people usually run these ads for a year or so, so you are looking at spending maybe a few hundred dollars on personal advertising. How will you know if the money is well spent?

"Well," you say, "it attracts responses." Fair enough. But mere responses aren’t enough.

A year ago I told the story of a woman who put up a bland profile with no essay and no picture, just answers to the multiple choice questions and within 24 hours she received a letter from a man who said that she was the woman of his dreams and he was just about to give up on Internet personals but then he read her profile and realized he’d found his dream partner and so on…So, clearly, just showing up on the pages can be like walking into a bad bar.

Eliminating the bad and attracting the good are two separate processes requiring separate skills. So , we’re going to talk about personal niche marketing. Looking for a match is not like running for class president or home-coming queen or state representative, or any other activity where you want to generate a huge list of positive responses. All you want is that one person who is good enough and capable enough to partner with you so you can create a great relationship.

Niche marketing is how things work in the wild. I have a biologist friend who spent some time in the forests of Guatemala. She said they found a flower they’d never seen before, which had an exceptionally long, thin stem. From that flower they knew that they would find a bird with an equally exceptionally long, thin beak. So it’s a law of life: Whatever you think is your best feature, then that’s the thing you want to hang out there to attract a partner. If it is something about yourself that you truly love, you can trust that there will be others who love it as well.

Marty Seligman, in his book Authentic Happiness, reports on one of the most interesting, and counter-intuitive, findings about what makes relationships last. (He quotes in a 2002 study by Murray, Holms, Dolderman and Griffin in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.)

The more your partner is your biggest fan, tends to see you through rose colored glasses, exaggerates your virtues and minimizes your faults, the happier you will both be. The more your partner agrees with you about what you do best, the more stable the relationship. Even without systematic and scientific surveys, you’ve probably noticed this yourself. You’ve seen those couples where she’s his best audience for his jokes, where he thinks her long and gossipy stories are fascinating.

For so many people at midlife, there is a secret love, a corner of their own soul that they are afraid to embrace and claim for all the world to see and yet, because there is so much passion contained in it, they can no longer deny it.

This secret love is something they’ve always wanted to do but never did because, well, they don’t know why. For one person it was bugs and she went back to graduate school to study wasps. Another woman, who was a medical technician, finally admitted she’d always wanted to be a jazz singer. The movie, Shall We Dance, is about a married man discovering his secret love of dance. He doesn’t believe his wife would understand or share it and so he sneaks around going to dancing lessons. At midlife, many of us get these calls and we have to follow them.

If you have a partner who can believe in and support this love of yours, you will have a great relationship in the second half of your life. If you want a great relationship in the second half of your life, trust that what attracts you to yourself will also attract the partner you want.

I know a man whose greatest joy in life is being what he calls, "Mr. Mom." When he meets women, this part of him is something that he is reluctant to show. Yet I also interviewed a very happy midlife couple and the women has said to me, "What attracted me most to this man was the way he practiced his love for his children." Another example: A man at forty fell in love with making photographs. The woman who now loves him said, "A man who cares passionately about beauty was such a foreign concept to me and yet, I don’t know how else I would have such loveliness in my life without him."

This is niche marketing applied to personal ads. Figure out what your own special light is. It's the secret love of your soul. Name it. and then let it shine.

Use the Let It Shine principle to shape your personal ads.

Here are two personal ads, one before and one after applying the Let It Shine Principle. Here is the before:

Sweet, sassy, Southern Steel Magnolia, slender, many interests, photography, planting flowers, painting watercolors, reading, and refinishing and decorating furniture.   You would be a solvent and kind gentleman who likes good conversations, discussing news, one who is affectionate, compromising and active.  I am searching for a faithful lifetime partner.

Before I became a psychologist I was an associate creative director in advertising agencies. When one of our professionals would write an ad like that we’d say, "Hey, that looks just like an ad." That was our way of saying that it had all the superficial appearance of an ad, but no life. In the same way, A mask is like a face, just not as interesting.

In helping this not-really-all-that-sassy woman re-write her ad, I was acting both as a creative director and as a psychologist. In my psychologist mode, I asked her questions about herself that she enjoyed thinking about – what made her life interesting and fun for her and why. She said, "It’s like those essays in English composition class." I listened to her answers in my creative director mode. Whenever I heard a spontaneous and heartfelt sentence, I wrote it down. Eventually, we’d accomplished two things. We’d figured out what she really did want in a relationship. And we figured out how to ask for it in a compelling way, in a way that could capture the attention of someone else who wanted the same things.

Here’s what we ended up with:

I am looking for a man who wants to share a quiet life sprinkled with a few rowdy moments. I plant flowers, paint, take pictures, decorate furniture and I also hoot and run bases with my grandchildren. I am happiest when I am doing something gentle and making someone else feel good. I also enjoyed screaming at an Elvis concert.

If you take care of my car, I will do your laundry. If you pick up your own clothes and put them in their place, I will reward you with lots of hugs. If you want to be alone, I’ll let you be. A lot of times I like to be by myself, too. I will listen to you as you listen to me. If you join me in watching a movie, taking a walk, and swinging in the swing with ice tea, I will attend a sporting event with you.

In some senses the second ad is quieter and more vulnerable. The stuff about being "sassy" and a "steel magnolia" does not attract or distract us – and who knows what those things really mean.  Instead we have a sense of the day-to-day and deeply genuine pleasures this person finds in her life. There's warmth, flesh and blood in this ad. When we read it we get a sense of a real person with a beating heart.

Is this attractive?

Not to everyone. Someone who liked exotic travel, off-Broadway theater, or grass-roots political organizing would probably not answer this ad. And that would be a good thing. A good ad, because it is specific, turns away as powerfully as it attracts.

This is the heart of how attraction works at midlife. What is charismatic is the act of recognizing and cherishing your true self and of being happy with what satisfies your soul.

Want to try this for yourself? Write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com to arrange for four sessions to clarify your vision for a great relationship and, in the process, to create a personal ad that works.

Also, "What’s my next step?" So what can relationship coaching do for you? It’s easy to run out of flexibility and creativity when you are trying to figure out a new relationship. Sometimes, all you need is one new idea to take a relationship the next step. Write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com to arrange for a complimentary "next step" coaching session.

Thanks again.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Welcome to the

Welcome to my free email newsletter. It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles. It’s designed to help you figure out what’s going on in relationships and how to create meaningful and satisfying relationships. Please enjoy it, please forward it, please always give credit.

Wanted: Stories about Internet dating. Got a good one for the book? Drop me an email and tell me the story.

This month’s theme is the little efforts with big results.

At a loss for what to do next in your relationship? The mistake most people make in beginning relationships is trying to force growth. Sometimes a tiny step in the right direction works a lot better than a big one. But there is art in figuring out what that next good small step might be.

Email me for a complimentary consult on how to take a very small, but significant next step. drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Wisdom is having things right in your life
and knowing why.
If you do not have things right in your life
you will be overwhelmed:
you may be heroic, but you will not be wise.
If you have things right in your life
but do not know why,
you are just lucky, and you will not move
in the little ways that encourage good fortune.
The saddest are those not right in their lives
who are acting to make things right for others;
they act only from the self –
and that self will never be right:
no luck, no help, no wisdom.

By Philip Belove, Ed.D. (All rights reserved.)

What’s the biggest challenge in dating at midlife? I don’t think it’s finding an available single. The dating at midlife sub-culture is enormous. Census figures suggest that more than 30% of all adults are not married. It’s easy to find another single person who is looking for a relationship. The question is what kind of a relationship and the challenge is in creating a relationship that’s worth staying in.

In midlife dating relationships it’s strange how easily people get ahead of the relationship their riding in. What happens when people try to force a relationship to go somewhere is that they end up being dragged behind it. A good example of this is what happens when people become lovers before they become friends. When this happens, it makes friendship building more complicated.

Every friendship has its little storms. The challenge in dating at midlife is creating a climate that, despite the ordinary storms, is so pleasant you want to settled down and live in it. How do you do that?

John Gottman, psychologist at Washington University, wrote a book with the audacious title, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail." He and his team could predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple would still be together five years later. They did it by observing the friendship between the partners. Couples that stay together have five times as many positive interactions as negative. The percent of positive time together would have to be 83%. That, in a college grading system, is a B. If a relationship got a C, it wouldn’t last. It is this ratio that predicts longevity.

Therefore, if you want a relationship to last you have to do two things from the outset. You have to manage the negative stuff so it doesn’t take over and you have to create habits between yourself and your partner so the relationship is pleasant and positive for both of you. People do this naturally in courtship. They are on super-good behavior. The challenge is maintaining that goodness as the relationship deepens. This takes some skill and knowledge.

In this article we’re going to look at increasing the positive stuff, but in passing I want to notice one of the weird quirks of midlife dating. A lot of people get into compartmentalized relationships, ones with a guarantee of no future. These relationships are often very pleasant because people over look the little things that would ordinarily bother them. It’s when a partner starts looking at a life-time of co-habitation and commitment that things usually over looked start to matter. But laying the early groundwork for successful conflict management is a different topic for another time. For now we are going to focus on the little things that make life together sweet.

Robert Trivers, an evolutionary biologist named the principle of nature that creates deep friendship. He called it Reciprocal Altruism. His theory has been successfully measured and tested, but it also seems to reflect deep common sense. It’s an amazing mechanism. It’s what makes people happy to be with each other and binds us into enduring marriages, friendships and business relationships.

It works like this: There are ten thousand small efforts I can make for you, which cost me next to nothing, yet the value of these things to you is enormous. A casual kind word to someone who’s had a bad day can be all the difference in the world to them. If you are starving and I have more than enough food, the cost to me of one more plate on the table is negligible while the value to you is extraordinary.

Low cost to the giver, high value to the receiver: this is the principle of reciprocal altruism. It not only makes you want to return the favor, it bonds you, and it makes returning the favor a pleasure.

Now in a new relationship, if I know what little things I could do, which cost me next to nothing, yet which my partner would deeply appreciate, then how wonderful and easy it would be to do those things and how much both our happiness would be increased!

The challenge, though, is that people are astonishingly uncommunicative about the genuinely positive, appreciative and admiring experiences they have with each other. Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey point this out in their book, How The Way We Talk Can Change The Way We Work. The same principles apply in the way we make friendships.

People are often vague about what pleases them. If you are dating someone, you may gather, indirectly, that your partner appreciates certain things about you, but you don’t always know how well they really get you in all your special particularity. And when you share evidence of it, say in a perfectly chosen gift – "Ah just my taste! How did you know?" – it’s a thrill. What you want to do is make it easy for them to understand what you like and what pleases you.

Try this exercise. Pick someone you are getting to know and like as a dating partner and then think about what you might spontaneously tell a third person about your new friend. Well, she’s just a great person. She’s really smart, considerate, funny and sweet and kind. Great figure, too. What wrong with that? Not a lot, except if that’s all that happens, it misses four key opportunities to build a solid friendship. What could you do in addition?

First, be direct. If you feel it strongly enough to tell someone else, or even to be spontaneously thinking in an idle moment, say, when you doing the dishes, then be deliberate and direct and say it directly to your dating partner. "You know I was thinking about something I appreciate about you…"

Second, savor the specifics. As good as that statement about being sweet, considerate and funny may sound, it’s still vague. Exactly what were the tiny things that led you to have those sentiments? Specifically, what did she do that was "considerate"? What exactly was it that was "funny," or "sweet," or "kind"? "I liked that little joke you made at the table. I like it when you make me laugh."

Third, be precise. This is as much for you as it is for your partner. In the early stages of a relationship you are not just figuring out whether you like this particular person, you are also trying to clarify for yourself what it is you want in a long-term relationship. In relationship coaching, we ask people to make lists of what it is they want long term. But these lists are always hypothetical. They have to be. You can’t be too specific because you want to allow for happy surprises. And besides, everyone pretty much makes the same list. We all want partners who are smart, physically attractive, kind, sensitive and so on. But we differ in how we want those qualities to show up in our lives. Some men like women who are smart in the way they listen. Others like women who are smart in the way they talk. Those are big differences. What counts as being kind, sweet, or funny for you? You want to become more aware of those things, and one of the best ways is to comment on it to someone else.

Finally, you want to let your partner know how she affects you and you don’t want to fall into the trap of handing out grades. The first is generous and the second is a bit arrogant and doesn’t wear well. This is the hardest one to get.

Instead of saying, I’m so glad you are good with money, which is giving out a grade, you want to say something more specific and self-disclosing like I’m so glad you reminded me to check the restaurant bill because I wouldn’t have noticed that the tip was already included and I would have ended up tipping 35%. In the first comment your partner might be flattered. She might also figure that you don’t know enough about being good with money to even make a judgment. In the second, she can say to herself, Oh, he likes it when I do that. He didn’t think it was obnoxious of me. I can feel comfortable about doing it more.

It’s subtle stuff, and yet, if you practice these rules of thumb until you can be smooth and effortless with them – Being Direct, Being Specific, Noticing your own reactions and Sharing News of your happy experience of the other person – you will have the habit of doing very small things that have solid, positive results. Without making a Big Deal out of anything, you will be shaping the relationship the way you want it. You will be increasing the positive feelings to make the relationship worth wanting. You will be developing your own clarity about what you want. And finally, as promised in the poem, you will have things right in your relationship and you’ll know why. Not bad. – P.B.

* * * *

Thanks all folks. Thanks again. Drop me a line if there is anything in this article you want to respond to or if you have a good story. I’m still pulling together material for the book. Have a great Christmas, Hanukah or Kwansa - PB

Welcome to the

Newsletter
November 2004

Welcome to my free email newsletter.  It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles.  It’s designed to help you figure out what’s going on in relationships and then how to create meaningful and satisfying relationships.  Please enjoy it, please forward it, please always give credit. To submit questions, to see other issues and articles, to subscribe, go to http://www.datingatmidlife.com

For counseling, answers and coaching, write me directly drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Instead of a poem

The following ad is said to have actually run in the Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights by the fire. Really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Elizabeth described herself in her ad as an accomplished, mature woman with excellent communication skills and happy sensuality. She has been exchanging email with Thomas. The correspondence moved to phone calls and they arranged to meet for the weekend. Thomas would stay at her place. She had an extra bedroom but maybe they wouldn’t be needing it. The chemistry was good but Thomas said that he was waiting for "a special woman" to appear in his life and while he liked her a lot, he wasn’t sure she was the one. After the weekend, which included some very good sex, Thomas wrote her a poetic thank you note and she responded with a short note in which she told him how much she appreciated the weekend and she wished him luck in his search. She didn’t write again.

Robert had been a long-time friend of Marsha’s. They both sang in a community choir, and it turned out they both had a taste for weird movies. She invited him over one Sunday evening to see her DVD of Lost Highway, the director’s cut. After the movie they started kissing and when Thomas put his hand on her breast she said, "Where are you going with this?" He stopped and said, "Well, I don’t think there is enough of a fit for a long term relationship but I thought we could at least have some fun." She said, "Okay but it’s late and if we’re going to do that, let’s make it a whole evening," And she invited him back for candle light supper on Thursday.

Raoul was an engineer on temporary assignment in her city when he appeared as an expert witness against Lindsey’s client. She found herself so distracted by the beauty of his lavender shirt against his dark, smooth face that she asked him for his card after the trial. He was stationed locally for the next three months, but then would have to fly back, and so she met him for dinner as soon as she could. They sat in the garden restaurant in the atrium of his hotel enjoying the sexual tension until it became clear, reading just a little between the lines of the conversation, that he had a wife back home. Lindsey said, "Wait a minute. What’s in this for me?" He said, "Lindsey, what’s in it is passion." She said, "That’s my passion, buddy, not yours. I brush my teeth with this kind of passion. Don’t you go claiming owner ship of my passion."

How did these women make their decisions?

In any community, there are two sets of rules governing sexual behavior, the proper rules and the real rules. The proper rules are the ones designed to protect families and to foster marriages. The real rules are what people will naturally do as long as it’s nobody’s business but their own.

In the proper rules, as the name implies, people have to answer to others, the community of elders, for their behavior. But if you are an elder, meaning you are over 40 and you’ve been married and you’ve established yourself as an adult – and in addition you are single and sexual – who are you going to answer to? Who is going to judge your sexual behavior? And by what standards?

The dating at midlife culture is powerfully loaded to support and encourage sexual freedom in women.

1. Birth control is easily available or not even necessary

2. A lot of midlife single women are post-divorce and trying to re-assess their sexual desirability after a failed marriage and the sexual turn-offs involved.

3. A lot of midlife post-divorce women just out of a dry marriage are thirsty for sexual experience, or curious.

4. A lot of midlife single women are less certain that they even want a long term relationship with a man because most midlife singles have been in long term relationships that didn’t work and they haven’t yet figured out what they need to know for the next try.

5. We live in a highly sexualized cultural surround.

6. Much midlife dating is done in private, not in a community setting, and this privacy and anonymity supports sexual freedom.

7. Midlife single women are competing. There are more available women than men and this encourages women to play by men’s rules, which are fundamentally more promiscuous and much more encouraging toward casual sex than women’s rules.

How do women and men make sexual decisions when they have so much sexual encouragement, temptation and freedom? I focus more on how women decide because in a situation where people are free, for men, the default is to have sex given the chance and the decision is to do it first and think later, whereas for women, the default is to think about it first, and the decide whether go ahead.

Whether or not to have sex is always the woman’s decision. This is what you might expect when dealing with matters closely related to pregnancy and childbirth where the concrete consequences are born by women. When it comes to sex women are more practical and concrete and men are more romantic and opportunistic.

Even though women are more practical about sex and even though, in surveys, men want sex sooner, with more different partners over time, and with less personal investment – it’s still a mistake to assume that men are more lustful than women. The truth is probably that women enjoy it every bit as much, if not a lot more.

This theory about women enjoying sex more than men is a couple thousand years old. An ancient Greek myth, the story of Tiresius, is the story of a man who saw two snakes copulating and killed them while in the act and, in punishment, he was turned into a woman. He lived as a women for several years and then, when he happened to see two snakes copulating again, he said to himself, "If the curse worked once, maybe it will work again," and so again he killed the snakes and was turned back into a man. Later, when the gods were having a debate over who enjoyed sex more, men or women, they asked Tiresius because he would know. He said, "Without question, women enjoy it much more." Juno, the highest female god punished him, blinded him for revealing the secret.

(Zeus took pity on him and, as a consolation prize gave him the power of prophecy and some people think there is a relationship becoming profoundly and accurately intuitive and also being able to understand events from both a male and female perspective, but that’s another discussion.)

Here is a joke that makes the same point: After creation was finished, the Lord of All had two gifts left and he went to the man and the women and asked them who wanted which. Adam said, "What do you got?" and the Lord said, "You could pee standing up" and Adam, being male, impulsive and zany, spoke first and said, "Wow. I can see a real use for that. Great. I’ll take it." And the Lord then turned to the woman and said, "Okay. So I guess you get the other one. Multiple orgasms."

And this takes me back to the challenge: how do midlife women make good decisions about taking care of themselves sexually 1) in a culture that encourages sexual freedom, 2) when she really does enjoy sex a lot and wants a sex life, and 3) when she isn’t all that sure a long term committed relationship is possible and/or desirable with the men who are currently available and interested?

Some women – midlife, mature, and psychologically healthy – simply refuse to be involved with another sexually without marriage. One woman I know was doing charity work helping serve a Christmas dinner and the man she was working with asked her if she was available for a relationship. She said to him, "Yes, but I want you to know I’m done with midlife dating and the next man I get involved with has to want to get married." He said, "Well, I guess I feel about the same. Let’s get married." And they were married within two months. Five years later they are still very happy.

Of course not every one is that clear or that ready. Getting ready takes work, and usually an external source of support. Much of midlife relationship coaching involves helping people develop that inner readiness.

Back to the central question: What do people do in the meanwhile?

What seems to happen is that there is a kind of dating relationship that midlife singles set up that includes a speech that goes like this: "I don’t see a long term commitment happening here but I like you. Let’s go out, have fun, have sex but understand that I (at least) am still looking around and I may end the relationship at some time in the future and for now all I can promise is that I won’t be having sex with others." There are a lot of variations on this theme. For example, not having unprotected sex with others, is a common one.

I had asked for a name for this new kind of relationship that includes sex but does not carry any obligation toward long-term commitment. What do you call relationships like this?

Here are some suggestions I’ve heard:

One person I talked to said that these were FOR NOW relationships, because they had no future.

Another said  "I have it............ call it "expiration dating" you know, like food, it has an expiration date. It goes sour after a while, or it rots, but it's definitely got it's own time frame." Another person said that when expiration dating is just about over then your soon-to-be-ex- partner becomes you STALE MATE.

And then there was this response: How about TENTATIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MIDLIFE DATING.  It spells ‘trimd’ which is kind of a good play on words because that’s what midlife dating feels like to me, a sort of ‘trimmed’ version of how I dated in my single younger days and I definitely use a more tentative approach in the early stages

One woman who always wanted her trimd relationships to get more intimate suggested we call them "Furshelpta relationships" using the Yiddish for something you have to drag along.

A man told me the story of a relationship where he had great sex with this woman and afterwards said, "So you love me?" And she laughed. "Who said anything about love. How about LIKE PLUS?"

Again, these are, for the most part, stories about women approaching casual sex from their practical side. It’s good to have a little sex now and then. It’s good to have it with someone you like, who is kind, sensitive, smart, reasonably attractive and reasonably sane. But, as one woman said, "That doesn’t mean I want another chore-creating individual in my life."

You can hear the mixed and negative feelings in some of this terminology. These women (all the responses were from women) know what these relationships are and they co-create them, but some women are more comfortable with them than others. My own sense is that they are a practical answer to a psychological challenge.

If you’ve been following my writing, you know that I see dating at midlife as being a kind of transition from a young adult’s way of thinking about relationships to an older adult’s way. I see this happening in stages and I see people negotiating their sex lives differently at different stages. All coaching involves moving people to the next level.

At first, people are confused. They aren’t sure what to make of the fact that they are single at midlife and they don’t know how to be as honest with themselves as they need to be. Then their sexual decisions seem to be impulsive. They react against the "proper" rules but they don’t have a better idea. If they are uncomfortable enough with themselves they move to the second stage. Sometimes the job of a counselor coach is to help them be more honest about their discomforts. If a relationship seems Furshelpta, and you resent it, maybe that’s a sign that you need to stop working at it and let it go.

In the second stage they learn the answer to the question, "To whom do I answer for my sexual behavior?" The best verbal formula for this answer comes from the 12 Step programs, the best lore there is on the midlife transition. You have to answer to yourself, to your sense of God, and to at least one other human being. You have to have a principled stand. In this stage the job of a counselor/coach is to be one of those other people a person is willing to answer to for their integrity. A lot of people in this stage simply stop having sex for a while until they can figure out how to do it, even in a transitional relationship, without violating their integrity.

In the third stage, once people have grounded themselves in conscientiousness, once they have become clear what it is they don’t want to do, people start trying figure out what they do want. This is a new set of challenges. A lot of times you have to stop doing what you don’t want before you can see clearly what it is you do want. The job of a counselor coach here is to remind people of their values while helping them experiment with new ones. This is the time to clarify true goals, to find the true inner north.

The problem with this process when it comes to sexual behavior is that sex is bonding. I’ve talked with many who create these special, supportive, mutually beneficial and yet, transitional relationships. And they are very hard to manage. Sexual jealousy is biological. People are surprised at how powerful it can be. Breaking up is hard to do, especially in the early stages of a transition when you aren’t yet able to be deeply honest with yourself.

Still, I wanted a somewhat neutral way of talking about these transitional relationships because people do them and find them helpful. Recently I’ve been calling them Relationships-In-A-Box. I liked the image and I heard it from another woman. She said, "It’s like that little box of precious things I keep in the bottom drawer and every once in awhile I pull it out and look at it, and then I put it away and go back to my life."

So what’s the advice? As I’ve said, it depends on the stage you are in. In the end, you have to know what it is you want and what you are willing to sacrifice to get it. Here is a picture of the fourth stage, the one of certainty. Late in the movie, Moonstruck, the Olympia Dukakis character is a midlife wife whose husband is having an affair and she knows it. She is out to dinner by herself and ends up having dinner with a midlife man whose date has left him. They enjoy each other’s company and he walks her home. He stops to kiss her and, even though she likes him, she refuses. He asks why? She says – and this is the point – "Because I know who I am."

In the three stories at the beginning of this essay, each woman made a different choice about whether or not to have sex. Was one choice better than the other? No. Each woman knew who she was and what she wanted. Her conditions were clear. The woman who refused sex because, as she said, "It’s my passion, not yours," had decided that she only wanted a relationship that could end in marriage and she was prepared to do without. Period. The woman who asked the man back so they could make a whole evening of it also knew herself. She knew that she would allow her self an evening of sex, but only if it was given proper time and respect do it right. The woman who spent the weekend with the man and didn’t see him again also knew herself. She knew she wasn’t going to be trifled with by a man who wasn’t sure at all what he wanted, but at the same time she allowed herself to have a wonderful time.

Three women, three different situations, and in each a woman was being very honest with themselves and with her partner. Each was using a different, but intentional strategy.

Could we say as much for the men? Raoul, the engineer probably would have denied to his wife that he had been with anyone. In that case, he is probably also kidding himself. He has some growing up to do. Robert, who said, honestly, that he didn’t see a long-term future, was being honest with himself and with Marsha. For this couple, their short term encounter had integrity. Thomas, who was waiting for that special woman, was being vague with Elizabeth. Vagueness is always a sign of stage one. Elizabeth was much clearer and took advantage of the situation for herself.

I don’t think that the women who insisted on long term commitment or nothing were in fact more mature than the women who, while looking for a long term relationship allowed themselves some pleasure. What seems to happen as people mature is that they become very honest with themselves and also considerate of others.

-- PB

* * * *

Thanks all folks. Thanks again. Drop me a line if there is anything in this article you want to respond to or if you have a good story. I’m still pulling together material for the book. Have a great Thanksgiving.

Welcome to the

Newsletter
October 2004

Welcome to my free email newsletter.   It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles.  It’s designed to help you figure out what’s going on in relationships and then how to create meaningful and satisfying relationships. 

Please enjoy it and forward it to anyone else you think will appreciate it.
To submit questions, to see other issues and articles, to subscribe, go to http://www.datingatmidlife.com

For counseling, answers and coaching, write me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Please forward and always give credit to the authors.

The Midlife Learning Institute

The July 04 letter discussed how men think about short term relationships. In it I asked for letters from women. This month’s essay incorporates some of those responses. Thanks to those who wrote.

Sex Decisions in midlife dating will be one of the content areas in the upcoming Teleclass series. It starts with a free introductory class on October 6 and the topic will be communication. Join us then, see what it will be like, have a chance to speak up and get heard.

This month’s poetry is by david meuel, from an anthology, intimate kisses, the poetry of sexual pleasure, edited by Wendy Maltz, New World Library.

 
what makes it good
isn’t
the mystery or masterly technique
or even a love so strong
you can smash bricks with it
it’s
the spinning waters way I feel
when you grab me by the eyes
and slip your thin black panties
off
 

Please help. I’m searching for a good, funny, accurate name for this relationship, so common in midlife dating. It is a relationship with a built in limitation – geography, marriage to someone else, not-enough compatibility beyond sexuality, whatever. Sometimes the limitation is named. Sometimes it’s implied. The relationship always includes sex.

It isn’t casual and yet it’s not a full relationship. It is always limited in some important way. It is always smaller than full out commitment.

Maybe it ought to be called a relation-ette, like dinette or raisonette. I don’t especially like STR, or Short Term Relationship which sounds about as passionate as a financial instrument. And besides, sometimes these relationships aren’t always short term. They can last for years. I’ve interviewed people who’ve had discrete affairs, which have lasted as long as ten years and which included monthly trysts and even "business trips" that were really erotic vacations.

There is a French phrase for a friendship with tenderness, safety, sex and love, Amitie Passion, but I want an English term. I thought about "Limited Partnerships" as a term, but again, the phrase sounds so Wall Street, even though I like it because it captures the idea of intentionally built-in limitations.

These are definitely not casual relationships. We’re not talking about casual sex although the fact that they include sex is central to what they are. If we are bound to be single for many years between 40 and 60 or more, we are still going to want to have a sex life. One woman, recently divorced said that despite it all, she and her husband had a good sex life. "I didn’t believe how hungry I got."

For many of us, these Passionate Friendships Including Sex represent a compromise. The middle years are often a time of being more practical than idealistic. One of the jobs of a midlife coach is to remind people not to forget their highest goals. Here is how one woman described this highest goal and its benefits: I want sex, passionate, orgasmic, wild, joyful sex, as often as possible for as long as I am able. For me, this kind of sex is only and exclusively available in a committed monogamous relationship. Period. No question about it. I just can’t have really good sex unless I feel completely safe. As the feeling of safety grows, the sex gets better. I know that popular wisdom tells us that guys have good sex no matter what, but after seven months, I am just beginning to scratch the surface of understanding how my lover’s body works…how to take him to places of sexual ecstasy

And, of course, her personal experience is born out in research. The way it is said is so dry it’s easy to miss what they are talking about: "Sexual satisfaction for both men and women increases with commitment." In other words, if you want ecstasy, you have to be deeply vulnerable and if you want to be deeply vulnerable you have to trust deeply. And if you want to trust deeply, you have to know that you and your partner are fully devoted. Otherwise, there’s a lot of performance and show business. I’ve always been fascinated by the way one woman described a short term lover, "He’s a great technical lover."

This high goal of authentic, profoundly vulnerable sex is often put aside temporarily at midlife. One woman wrote, "I’m choosing not to have any long-term relationships because I don’t want to work that hard right now. I have no illusions about the amount of work required and the last time I put in all that work and it still didn’t work out, I guess you would call that seriously burned. I want companionship, but not if it comes with all that work."

Another woman wrote, "Does his presence in my life add value? Or is he just another task-creating creature? "

Another wrote, "I have never had sex (or anything else for that matter) so good that it was worth all the extra domestic work that men in my generation sometimes represent. …For me, at 46, it is about keeping my independence and maintaining a particular lifestyle which makes room for a lover but doesn’t require me to change everything. "

And that way of thinking is what produces Amitie Passion, the STR, the Limited Partnerships, the Whatdayacallit. As one woman wrote, maybe what I’m doing is not casual sex. I’m looking for good friends, cuddle buddies and possible lovers – in that order…one nighters are no interest. None of the blessings and too much of a risk physically, emotionally and socially"

And again, I have very high standards for any kind of sexual relationship and since I’m in a protective phase and I’m not ready to play at all and am certainly not doing the long –term thing I can see having and hope to have lovers who are my beloveds for ever and that I am sexual with for years or as long as it works."

Midlife dating is different. People who are single at midlife are single for a reason and often not a particularly happy reason. Whatever the reason is, it’s an irritant, a grain of sand in the soul. What else to do with it than try to make it into a pearl? The midlife single years are a transition time for many of us. There are things we have to learn about, not about the world, but about ourselves. To do this, we have to cut ourselves some slack. We need forgiveness and flexibility. Sometimes that means we cannot be in a complete relationship with someone else who often needs the same things.

For many, the STR is a phase, a solution to a problem. But temporary solutions to problems have a way of becoming problems themselves. As John Lennon wrote, in the year before he was shot, "Life is what happens while you are making other plans." Sex mixed with affection, tenderness and safety is bonding. That is why these relationships create a lot of confusion in midlife dating.

"When it’s Love, you don’t have to think about how it will end." In Amitie Passion, there is always the understanding, a sad, sweet understanding, which is sometimes held by one partner and sometimes by both, an understanding that things can only go so far and can eventually end.

As I’ve said, all relationships are negotiated. How do partners let each other know that this relationship is only going so far and no farther? A lot of these negotiations are conducted non-verbally, in action. In relationships, actions speak the truth, but not all that clearly. Also it is no single action, but the pattern of actions over time that reveals the limits and possibilities of the relationship.

As a psychologist I am, of course, fascinated by the many ways people communicate the fact of limits.

Here is a small list:

1. One partner is married. One of the convenient myths of extra-marital affairs is that the spouse will divorce and then marry the new partner. A successful marriage between former affair partners rarely happens and never without difficulty. For one thing, it is difficult to trust someone who is a known liar. Usually, at some level, both parties understand that the marriage, which exists "over there," helps them limit their secret relationship. At the very least, it keeps it a secret and that’s a big limit. On the other hand, it’s quite common for partners to be happy with a secret, limited and fond relationship. Partners see each other once a month or so, meet in distant cities and even manage to rendezvous (another French word) on business trips.

2. Geographical limits. One woman I interviewed told me about how she established one with a man who lived just a bit too far away. The drive between them was a few too many hours for them to maintain it and so they agreed to have a few magnificent weekends and then end it. The advantage for them was that finally the impersonal distance would pull them apart and they could separate without having to reject or be rejected.

3. Post Divorce. In Paul Simon’s semi-autobiographical movie about his divorce, his character and his soon-to-be ex, played by Blair Brown, come back to his apartment after the conference with their lawyers and make love. In the afterglow he says, "You know post-separation agreement sex is even better than pre-marital sex." There are many divorced couples who turn back to each other in a dry time and become temporary lovers. Some re-unite, but many simply re-encounter each other. The divorce serves as a limiter.

4. An all-consuming job. The "all consuming job" doesn’t necessarily exclude a committed relationship, but it serves as an impersonal reason for not going further. Sometimes it is difficult for couples to acknowledge explicitly to each other that for the long haul they don’t see a fit, but for the short haul they could make an exception.

5. The explicit negotiation. In Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, the hero finds himself in a bar late at night and a woman approaches him and says, "Hi there." He immediate says, "I’m not interested." I remember this bland exchange because I fell in love with the next sentence. Vonnegut says, "But it turns out that they both underestimated their lack of interest but not by much." On the other hand, there are many people who drop hints to some selected possible partners that they are interested in short term relationships and the deal is made.

6. The Male Fade. Credit for this term goes to my friend, JJ, who used to talk about the way men would show up in her life, make a lot of noise about being interested and then, without warning or explanation, suddenly stop calling. And then they would show up again, sometimes weeks, as if nothing had happened. This is another way people communicate that a relationship’s possibilities are limited. Women do this, too, of course, but not so lightly or obliviously as men. When women do this, they can usually name reasons and the reasons are personal.

7. The Ten Thousand Small Things. This is the most common way it is done. We are constantly adjusting closeness and distance in relationships. As one woman said, "If it’s my committed lover, I’ll hang up and take the call. If it’s someone I’m just dating, I’ll call by the day’s end. If it’s someone I’m backing off, I may way a day or two." These messages are sent non-verbally. People who are closer touch each other more and in more sensitive places. A hand on the shoulder is different than a hand on the upper arm, or the neck, or the butt. But partners who are going to be apart have other ways of communicating that the relationship has built in distance.

Advice? It’s always the same advice with me. When all else fails, be brave and tell the truth. How do you to that? How do you talk about the tough stuff. That’s a topic for another time. – PB.

***************************************

Finally, speaking of talking about the tough stuff, the best book on couple communication is finally in print. Buy it at http://hometown.aol.com/jackrap1/index2.html

Welcome to the

Newsletter
September 2004

Welcome to my free email newsletter.  It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles.  It’s designed to help you create meaningful and satisfying relationships.  Please enjoy it and forward it to anyone else you think will appreciate it.
To submit questions, to see other issues and articles, to subscribe, go to http://www.datingatmidlife.com

Please forward and always give credit to the authors.
The Midlife Learning Institute

Hi everyone, Welcome back to Fall.  I hope you enjoyed your August.  Big doings here. I’ll be doing a teleclass with my good friend and colleague, Lynne Michelson ,who is a social worker and experienced relationship coach living in St. Louis. She has loads of experience working with midlife singles and is a lore-collector, like me, and she has lots of interesting things to say. Details below.
 
I’m still sorting through the responses from the July letter and I owe you all an essay on it. That comes in October. In this issue I’m going back to some basics and again, presenting an overview.
 
Sometimes, when I look at my happy relationship I feel like I’ve won the lottery and there’s nothing I could have done that produced such stupendous results. Other times, though, I see all the skills, commitment, and careful, informed attention – on her part and mine -- that go into making it all look like simply dumb luck. But I know better. Relationship success at midlife doesn’t just happen.
 
This months’ essay will be brief. It’s the opening paragraphs of my book, Truth, Daring and Dating at Midlife.
 
In addition, I want to thank those of you who wrote answers to last month’s essay. I had asked what women are thinking about when they consider whether they want a long or short term relationship with a man. The responses were very rich and I’m still reading over those answers and thinking about them. I’ll write a follow up on it next issue. Thanks again.        Philip

First,  this month’s Poetry:

For Men Who Still Consider Sex A Casual Occasion.

It's always lust, whether you have some intention
Of making it last or not.
But when has the notion of a lasting passion
Even entered your mind?
And after so many women,
Isn't it obvious there's only one
You've any business doing this with?
Whatever you're looking for--
Harlot, mother, holy sister--
They all end up with the same words on their lips.
For even as you reach that other shore behind their eyes,
You can feel the questions swimming up after
And darting about your ankles
Like shy but famished fish:
"What is it that you see in me? Am I really the one?"
The eyes go on:
"I want the moon, you know.
Do you think you can give me that?
And even as you die inside me
Every time you come,
Is what I give you back then
Enough so you won't resent that?
And what of the smiling child
Who plays like a shadow about my mouth
Whenever you take my hand?
In taking my hand, you are making a promise
To the ones I have come from as much as to me,
And it speaks of all that's in store for us
Though most of that you cannot see.
After all, I'm dying too--
But not for a love any less than this."
-- Frederic Sibley

---

Truth, Daring and Dating at Midlife.

Copyright By Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Introduction

Jerry, who is a man I’ve worked with, told me this story. Maybe it was an off night, or maybe it was second or third in a series of off nights, he wasn’t sure, but while he was in bed making love to his sweetheart, whose name was Angel, Jerry found himself thinking about calling his old buddy, Jennifer, for a friendly evening of sex. He caught himself rehearsing what he would say to Jennifer, who was bound to ask him, "Aren’t you involved with this new woman?" He heard himself sorting through possible reasons for not "busy" next Friday, or maybe Sunday night. He watched himself working out his ethical justifications. The only thing that was different from what he had done in the past – could it have been fifty times? More? –  was that he saw himself doing it and got scared.
 
Jerry was 48 and divorced twice. That in itself was not remarkable. Half of all marriages end in divorce and two-thirds of all second marriages. He’d been single for seven years with two major (two year long) relationships and a handful of minor encounters. You could say he was a veteran of the midlife dating scene. Angel was 45, with similar statistics. 
 
There’s an old Irish joke that goes, "When all else fails, tell the truth," and next morning, after breakfast, Jerry was scared enough to try it. He said to Angel, "I didn’t very much like our love making last night." He left out the part about Jennifer.
 
Angel said, "I wasn’t feeling all that connected to you either but I didn’t want to say anything and after you went to sleep I went into the next room and sat and cried."
 
After a while midlife singles usually figure that sex isn’t the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy comes from conversations like this. The conversation went well but even so, it wasn’t until about an hour later, during a quiet pause that Jerry said, "I was actually thinking about calling someone else for sex.  Silence. Angelique said, "I was too."
 
Ten thousand moments like this are what it takes to build an intimate relationship at midlife. And these moments have a peculiar emotional tone, a mixture of fear and relief, the footprints of Truth and Daring,
 
Truth and Daring is what it takes for relationship success at midlife. Being single at midlife isn’t a first choice. For most people, it is Plan B. If you are 20-something and single, you are just single. But if you are forty-something and single, you are single with an explanation. That explanation is the grain of sand you have to turn into a pearl. At first, it’s the reason why you are single. Later it becomes the lesson you’ve learned that makes you a great partner for someone. The transformation process is what dating at midlife is about.

---

Announcing a  Fall Teleclass Series
Truth, Daring and Dating at Midlife Ó
Essential Skills For Dating When You Are Already A Grown Up.

 Take comfort. Dating at midlife has some unique challenges and you are not the only one in this boat. In this series you will learn how to  1) Make sense of the common, and major, challenges in midlife dating 2) Respond skillfully, and 3) Keep your a sense of humor. This material is the result of almost a decade’s worth of research. 
 
Date:
Wednesday, October 6, is the free opening session,  and then every other Wednesday in October and November for those who enroll.
10/20; 11/3; 11/17; 12/1

Time:
 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time, 6:00 p.m. Pacific Time.  (Don’t forget the shift from daylight to standard time in mid-October.

Cost: First 10/6 Class is FREE:   Series of Four is $25/class or $75 for all Five.

To register: Address an email to Teleclass@datingatmidlife.com. In the subject line, type "Fall Series."
You will receive a return email with the conference phone number and other necessary class information.

To Pay:  Call Philip Belove, Ed.D. at 802/254-6221 to arrange credit card payment,  or send payment via Paypal to drbelove@datingatmidlife.com, or send a check to Philip Belove, Ed.D., 84 South Street, Suite 201, Brattleboro, VT 05301.

Presenters:
Philip Belove, Ed.D., of www.datingatmidlife.com 
Lynne Michelson, MSW, LCSW, of www.connectstlouis.com and the Relationship Coaching Institute.
 
Free Introductory Class
October 6. Communication I.  The Crucial Relationship Building Skill 
Intimate listening is the master skill in relationship building. It’s hard to do adequately, it is not easy, it doesn’t call attention to itself, few people have experienced it, and yet relationships end for the lack of it. Learn what it is, how to do it, and how to use it.
 
Four Class Series
October 20 Communication II:  Relationship Negotiation and Baggage Prevention. The personalities of midlife adults are more defined and more set that those of young adults. That is why, the closer lovers, or wannabe partners, get to each other the more clearly they see the deep and inevitable differences between them. In unsuccessful couples, even though they may love each other, these deep differences can force them apart. In successful couples, these differences become fascinating and even erotic. Everything depends on how these differences are handled. In this class you will learn 1) how to recognize and address possible conflict early, before it can create resentment,  2) several strong,  kind, clear and direct ways to use the news of these differences as a way of building trust and intimacy, and 3) how to get back out of trouble once you are in it.
 
November 3  Communication III:  Sex and the Mating Dance.
Sex is good for you. Regular sex is a better predictor of health and longevity than eating vegetables.  At midlife, the people who have the best, most regular sex are comfortably married or in committed long term relationships. Midlife singles who are just dating, however, still have sex lives, but managing it can be confusing, distracting, and can even interfere with the search for a long term partner. In this class you will learn 1) the difference between men’s and women’s long and short term sexual strategies, 2) the difference between men’s and women’s thinking about sex, 3) ways to talk about sex, and 4) ways to create sexual safety.
 
November 17 The midlife growth spurt: Assessing stages of development.  If you are midlife and single and dating, you are going through a life transition that can be as radical as adolescence. That’s also true for the person you are courting. The greater mismatch between partners in this process, the more trouble. In this class you will learn 1) the stages of the midlife transition and how to recognize them, 2) relationship readiness and what you can reasonably expect from people in these various stages, and 3)  where you have to be patient and  when to decide when someone just isn’t ready. 
 
December 1  Little Efforts with Big Results: Toolbox for the Midlife single. If midlife dating is too hard for you, maybe it’s because you are working too hard at it. Basically, dating should be fun and inviting. In this class, you will learn about the easy, tiny things you can do that make a big difference.

( Program material is excellent for both relationship coaches and midlife singles.)

---

Thanks again.  Welcome you new subscribers. I hope to meet many of you when Lynn and I do our presentations.
 
Please forward this newsletter to anyone you think might be interested. Feel free to quote, but please remember to give credit for copyrighted material.   PB.

In August 2004,

due to the death of Sue Price, there was no newsletter.

Welcome to the

Truth, Daring & Dating at Midlife

Newsletter

July 2004

Welcome to my free email newsletter. It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles. It’s designed to help you create meaningful and satisfying relationships. Please enjoy it and forward it to anyone else you think will appreciate it.

To submit questions, to see other issues and articles, to subscribe, go to http://www.datingatmidlife.com

Please forward and always give credit to the authors.

The Midlife Learning Institute

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Psychologist and Coach

Thank you for your generosity and support.

I received about 50 personal notes from readers after the June 2004 letter with Sue’s obituary and I answered each one personally. I was especially touched to realized how many of you read these letters and how carefully. I want to thank you all again. I do understand why people believe in life after death because otherwise death is so incredibly final. I’m still re-adjusting my thinking. Life does go on.

This issue is about sex. Again. Specifically, it’s about casual sex and how people figure out what they want to do about it. It’s part of one of the chapters in the Truth and Daring, the Dating at Midlife book, now in the process of being born. The article is incomplete. At the end there are some questions and I would be deeply grateful if some of you would weigh in with your opinions and then I’ll use them for the second half of the article which I’ll send out in September. And also, I’m going to take a month off in August on the newsletter. Bless you all and thank you again. On with the show:

A Kiss

It was not like everyone had said.
Not like being needed,
or needing; not desperate;
it did not whisper
that I’d come to harm. I didn’t lose
my head. No, I was not
going to leap from a great
height and flap my wings.
It was in fact
the opposite of flying:
it contained the wish
to be toppled, to be on the floor,
to ground, anywhere I might
lie down…
On my back, and you on me.
Do you mind?
Not like having a conversation, exactly,
though not unlike telling
and being told –
What?
That I was like a woman admitting
There was a part of herself she didn’t know?
There was a part of myself,
I didn’t know.
An introduction,
then, to the woman I was like,
at least as long as you kissed me.
Now that’s a long time,
at least a couple of women ago.

-- by Deborah Garrison

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

The title of the article is taken from a question I got in the mail. The writer, Patricia, a woman in her mid-forties, two years out of a rough marriage, and, as she put it, " older and wiser," is "looking for the sex that knocks your socks off because you know and care for the person first." Was this a reasonable expectation? She wanted to know. " Do men my age even know what I am talking about or are they just rare?"

Do they all want sex first? You can hear her frustration. She wants "the emotional satisfaction of intimacy, not just sexual physical satisfaction."

She describes her typical dating experience. "Several times a month I meet men thru the personals. But we usually just go out once. I think it went nice and I never hear from them again. And they are nice men, not jerks."

She questions herself. "Is it me? I am conservative and very complex… I also keep my sexual side under wraps, to not give them the wrong impression. Am I wrong in doing that? Do men need to see that?"

She has, of course, described the essence of the battle of the sexes. For midlife women, her question is one of the most nagging: How do single midlife men think about sex and relationships?

There is a self-help book, which I have some issues with, called, "How to Succeed with Women by Ron Louis and David Copeland. (Penguin 1998) which answers Patricia’s question. The authors claim that they themselves were not experts with women at all. So they looked around to find guys who really were successful (according to the author’s standards) and then studied what they did. The book is a distillation of that wisdom.

What, according to these guys, amounts to success?

"We wanted to know how to seduce women and more – we wanted to know how to develop relationships that would be fulfilling for both of us." They are clear about their priorities. First, seduction, then, well, yes, okay, yes, a fulfilling relationship would be "more," but first things first.

In case you think I am reading too much into those sentences, let me point out the flow of the whole book. You can recognize the dance of dating as certain men might think it through. Chapter six is about "how to sweep her off her feet and into your bed;" seven is about "the priming date," which is the one that comes before the "seduction date," described in chapter eight. Then, after some hints about sexual technique, the book has a chapter called, "handling problems women cause," on how to deal with women who get really angry. Then a chapter called "breaking up is easy to do." I may be a bit shrinky here but I think the order of events describe a plan. I also notice that it was in their breaking up chapter that they discuss commitments and how to think about long term partnerships. By now we are at page 400 of 450. Then there is a 25 page chapter on how to make a relationship last and a summary.

So success is about scoring. Read their definition. Then we’ll discuss it.

First and foremost, the bottom line is that the woman chooses. The woman has to choose to have sex with a man for it to count as a seduction. There are a lot of ways to get the seduction disqualified. The woman can’t be coerced or deceived. She can’t be naïve or young or drunk or intoxicated. She can’t be so needy that her judgment is clouded. It has to be a choice, conscious and intentional and free. Then only is the score to be considered a seduction. There is another layer of requirement. She can’t be too experienced or blasé or too willing or easy. And not only that he has to satisfy her emotionally and physically. Then if all those requirements are met, the seduction counts.

This is the male code; the rules, male style. In this game, there is no winning, only scoring. In the thirteenth chapter, the one on breaking up, the authors say to their male reader, "If you can’t decide whether you want seduction or a committed relationship you end up bouncing from woman to woman, unwilling to do the work of a seducer while simultaneously unwilling to do the work required for a committed relationship. Being unsure creates failure in either circumstance." They acknowledge that the rules of success are incompatible with the rules of "relationships that would be fulfilling for both of us."

So men, according to this book, have dual and incompatible strategies for dating. And that is the problem that Patricia is struggling with.

Go back to their definition of success and, for the moment, don’t be distracted by the dual strategy. Notice how the whole process of seduction involves the woman’s free choice. Scoring it different from merely getting laid. Somehow, in this game, every seduction is a test of male goodness, some confirmation from a woman that he’s a good enough man.

There is a core of truth in whatever these men are chasing. It matters profoundly to many single men that they be held in good estimation by a good women. Every man needs his maleness and attractiveness blessed. What women have is this power to bless. I mean really blessed and that means, not merely from words alone. Blessings come from deeper places. These men want women to yearn for their sperm. It is a sign that there is something desirable about this man in his essence. Now that is a blessing!

Forgive me if this sounds just too naked but this is the force that drives males animals through out the mammalian kingdom, that produces antlers, peacock feathers, boisterous behavior, and all the other glorious proclamations of male vitality. It happens with guys, too.

What’s a woman to do? First, remember that attractiveness doesn’t lie so much in having things that you value as it lies in knowing that you have what others value.

Here is what I told Patricia: You have what men want, a blessing to give. If you give it too cheaply it isn’t a blessing. Some women will have casual sex if a man is exceptionally superior to her usual standards, but with men it’s the opposite, they lower their standards for casual sex. They will have casual sex with women who are older or younger than usual and also with women who don’t meet their long term relationship standards on such matters as , charm, athleticism, education, generosity, honesty, independence, kindness, intellectuality, loyalty, sense of humor, sociability, wealth, responsibly, spontaneity, cooperativeness and emotional stability.

They will not consider the approval and acceptance of these women to be an honor or a blessing.

Let’s revisit the definition of success. She can’t be coerced or deceived; naïve, young, needy or drunk; and she can’t be too experienced or blasé or too willing or easy. It has to be a choice, conscious and intentional and free. In other words, the challenge is what makes a woman attractive.

Therefore a woman has to convince him that she is a worthy and interesting challenge. And she has to support and encourage him while she is putting him to her tests.

So back to Patricia’s question, "Am I wrong to keep my sexuality under wraps?" I think she is. What she wants to do is let it be know that she is sexual, appreciates men, and is also discriminate. It’s a head game. He wants seduction and a relationship. She has to offer relationship and a seduction.

Women who do this well are often convince the man that it is his idea. Women will know much earlier in a relationship whether seduction will happen. As the guys say, it’s her choice. However they often have no idea how women decide. That’s why they talk about "getting lucky." That’s why there read those books.

Patricia wants to let acceptable men know that they are found by her to be acceptable. The way a man knows that he measures up – this is where Louis and Copeland get is dead right – is that a woman he admires want to have sex with him. That is what flirting is about.

A man can tell if you find him attractive. He may not know consciously, but he knows. Your eyes light up, you enjoy his humor, you like looking at his face, you enjoy dialog with him, you like his body. There are ten thousand ways you communicate to him that you give him your blessings. But if you want a relationship with him, none of this means you have sex with him. Not until he’s proven himself at a higher level. What you are doing is letting him know that you want him to prove himself at a higher level.

So the message you send has to be an adult message and like all adult messages, like good wines, like coffee and good chocolate, like expensive whiskey, it is smooth and complex and with many shades, some of them dark. Essentially has to be a huge YES with all sorts of nuances and encouragement attached. The messages says that he qualifies for the big prize, but only qualifies – and that no small thing. It’s a complex message.

Some long term relationships start with sex on the first few dates, but these are exceptions. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I know two midlife women who, after years of dating and sexual relationships simply refused to have sex without marriage. I thought it was an extreme position but they are both married and happy. One woman told a man who liked her, "I’ve decided no more sex until I’m married again." And the guy said, "Well, I guess I’m pretty tired of dating, okay. " They were married in a month! There is some research that says that the difference between midlife women who get married and those who don’t is that the one’s who do are the ones who still believe in marriage. It’s basically that simple.

On the other hand a lot of midlife women have casual sex. They do it to see if they still "got" it. They do it to heal some hurt feelings. They do it for relieve. And they do it to somehow get a fresh point of view after a bad relationship. They do it because they are bored. And some do it because they are discouraged and really don't want another long term relationship.

The mating dance, like tango, has male moves and female moves

September I’ll write more about the woman’s side of this dance. Here are some questions I’d like opinions on.

What would be the difference between a woman’s calculations about whether to have a short term or a long term relationship. What changes for women between they way they think about casual sex at 25 and at 45.

What blessings do women want from men?

Please write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Thanks again. Have a great August.

Philip

 

Welcome to the

Truth, Daring & Dating at Midlife

Newsletter

June 2004

Welcome to my free email newsletter. It represents the fruit of ten years of academic and clinical research into the world of midlife singles. It’s designed to help you create meaningful and satisfying relationships. Please enjoy it and forward it to anyone else you think will appreciate it.

To submit questions, to see other issues and articles, to subscribe, go to http://www.datingatmidlife.com

Please forward and always give credit to the authors.

The Midlife Learning Institute

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Psychologist and Personal Coach

 

"Suddenly one day in your forties or fifties it all becomes clear – and then it goes away"

Quoted by Irving Yalom in Love’s Executioner"

This month’s article was to have been called, "How to Lose Your Baggage," and in first draft, it was pretty good. It was to be a condensation of the fourth chapter of my book and I had planned to offer a teleclass on the topic next week. But I don’t feel like finishing it this week. Next month. Thanks for your kind support.

Also, my apology if this is intrusive. It seemed the least I could do.

 

In Memory.

Susan Howell Fitch Price 1937-2004

My colleague and close friend Sue Price died Thursday, June 3, in the late afternoon. We were to have met for dinner to discuss the Dating At Midlife research project and after two hours and her not showing, I called on her. She’d had a sudden and fatal stroke. It’s amazing to see someone’s life story end so abruptly, unexpectedly, and, I suppose, mercifully. There was no long lingering illness, no premonition, just one bad day and then gone. We’d known each other for more than 25 years.

We were married in 1982 and divorced in 1990. We worked through our protests with each other and created a fond and respectful friendship. When I started the Dating at Midlife web site, she had just completed her Master’s degree in psychology and she designed the site and became my partner on the site. In addition to being a good psychologist, she was a fine artist, a brilliant colorist and oil painter. She was looking forward to retiring from office practice, settling into a small country cottage, doing phone practice like me, but mainly drawing and painting. It won’t happen.

It’s hard to summarize all her amazing qualities and talents. The first time I met her I had dinner at her house and walked through rooms she had decorated, looked at her oil paintings on the walls, ate off beautiful pottery she had made. Her eye and her skills and her talents were on the Martha Stewart scale. People used to hire her to select the colors with which they would paint their Victorian houses. She could make main dishes and desserts that could be used in Gourmet magazine photo shoots.

She was also a scholar, and a cultured soul with an elegant and rare mind. She read more widely than anyone I knew, and faster. She could draw and paint, was a good businesswoman, a great poet, and when computers came in, she taught herself to program and design web pages. When she came into a small inheritance she went back and got a master’s degree in psychology and became an expert at doing assessments. Her master’s thesis involved interviews with women at midlife. For a while, in her late fifties, no less, she worked for Rescue and rode in ambulances and used hypnotic techniques to reassure and stabilize people who’d been pulled out of crashed cars and had shattered body parts. She served on the board of directors for our local Hotline and the Art’s Council. I thought of her as a bit elfish and used to call her Presto because whatever she could think of she could make it happen. Her vanity license plate read, "SUEPR" and that about said it.

She conducted herself, with me and in her other close relationships, with exemplary integrity, always struggling to find the most admirable, fair, and decent response in even the most provocative circumstances. She strove to do her best, be her best and bring out the best in others always. Even her taste in music was toward straightforward moral hymns. She had a touching fondness for the four-four, four-square, marching rhythms of early American church music and songs of noble sacrifice. The Old Hundred might have been her favorite melody. The deepest currents in her soul, along whose path everything else had to sail, were her instincts toward honesty, fairness and justice. Although she was a privileged child of American aristocracy, she was deeply offended by entitlement and snobbery. She was a Vermont style Unitarian with a strong coloring of Thomas Jefferson or Ben Franklin. There may be others as high minded and broad minded, but, in my experience, it’s rare to find those qualities combined with such a sly and intelligent sense of humor and such a generous and colorful imagination. I am far from being the only one who will miss her.

About Truth and Daring and Midlife Dating

I’ve been a psychologist since 1978 practicing in New England. In 1995 I began to focus on the midlife crisis, the midlife transformation, and more specifically on what it takes to meet the unique challenges facing midlife singles. This combination for success in midlife dating, and in the midlife transformation in general is Truth and Daring. Accordingly I’ve designed an approach which involves a combination of coaching and analysis; analysis to help people know themselves well enough to know what they want, and coaching to help them create what they want.

I can be reached via email at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com and by phone at 802/254-6221.

 

 

Dating at Midlife Newsletter
May 2004

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

I know; I know. I’m late.

Hi folks.  I’m working on The Book and that’s been my focus. In addition, I’m doing some major reorganization of the intellectual property and finding ways to simplify some of my findings. I hope by the next newsletter to be able to give you a small preview.  Meanwhile, here are some interesting discoveries I’ve made about e-dating.

Neil Simon on being single.

“I had been a bachelor for almost three and a half years, and I can’t deny that the many attractive women I met during those years were more than a single man could ask for. Surprisingly, it also got tiresome. Each first date was like a first session with a new analyst. It was mostly about giving information about your past. I also found out that sex without love was not very satisfying.  (Then again, love without sex can be a drag as well, as can love without love, which is when you’re just saying “love” in order to get sex.)”

From The Play Goes On A memoir by Neil Simon
Simon and Shuster 1999

e Dating. e Therapy
by
Philip Belove, Ed.D.

My favorite story about the strangeness of e-dating appeared in The New Yorker magazine a few years ago. The writer, a woman from Seattle, had developed a lively email exchange with a man in New York. It took her two years to finally get to New York, on business, and there she was, having lunch with him. And there he was, across the table from her, in the flesh.

However during lunch, she found herself bored, distracted and restless. She wanted to get away, to go home, to check her email. Like so many other dates she’d had in the last two year, she wanted to get away from whoever she was with so she could go home and enjoy the latest email from… him.

What’s going on? Had an e-relationship actually trumped flesh and blood? Why would that happen?

Here is another story, a common one.  A woman writes datingatmidlife.com with a question.  She’s started up an Internet relationship with a man and now, after six months she is about to meet him.  However, the picture on her profile is 10 years old and 40 pounds lighter than her current self. Now what?

What strange dynamic seems to be playing itself out with e-relationships?

E-relationships invite fantasies.  In e-dating the lack of visual information feeds fantasies. If the person you are investigating as a possible companion isn’t right there in front of you, your tendency will be to fill in the blank spaces with all your fears, hopes, dreams, and fancies.  Some people take advantage of that.

I received a panic-stricken letter from a woman who had been corresponding with a man for six months.  She hadn’t yet met the man. They’d progressed to phone calls and then to phone sex. The woman’s dating life was dominated by fantasies, fears and wild longings. There was no way for these two to meet and figure out who they were to each other.

E- Communication Encourages Disinhibition. People who have had a drink or two are said to “get disinhibited.” Disinhibition means shedding your inhibitions.  The effect of alcohol on your brain is much like ether. It puts to sleep the little voices that say “let’s think before we act.”

How many people become audacious at a  masked balls? Being invisible is just like having a drink or two. Being online, and connecting  with someone new, who is open to something new, is a bit like talking from behind a mask, which is what you are in the early stages of an e-relationship.

E-communication creates safety impersonally but intimacy depends on safety created in a personal way.

There are impersonal ways to create safety and personal ways. The personal forms of safety come when two people test each other out, become genuinely vulnerable and learn what they can really expect from each other.  What if she tells him she thinks his ex-wife was right about his selfish streak? To be able to speak at this level of candor is real safety, and real intimacy. That kind of real safety takes a long time to develop.

In e-flirting, safety isn’t something people have worked out with each other. Instead, safety is circumstantial. It happens because there is an automatic distance between the two people. The feeling of safety is there, but it is untested by real intimacy. 

It helps to remember that people will exaggerate their responses and be more emotional than normal. If you connect with someone via Internet and then go to instant messaging and phone conversations, you will want to schedule face time soon.  In e-dating, one of the smartest things you can do is have a chemistry check as early as possible. 

It helps to be very aware of your own ideas about the other person and that your ideas are more like to be projections than perceptions.

And sometimes, none of this is true.

If there is one rule I’ve learned about midlife dating is that anything can happen. I know a woman who started an email relationship and they corresponded for almost a year. It was a love affair of letters, very old fashioned and Victorian. They are now very happily married.  Go figure.

The same disinhibition that leads people to over-share in e-dating makes e-therapy work. 

First, a confession.  Last December, I took a continuing education course in how e-therapy works.  In the last four years more and more therapists have been working on the phone, like me, and some are even working exclusively through email.  It’s all quite new and we are just beginning to understand how it works. This isn’t the first time therapists have had to develop new theory. There was a time when the only therapy anyone could imagine involved only one-to-one.  Therapists who say couples or even families, with all members attending, were pioneering and often in secret. It was as though, to see both members of a couple simultaneously was a kind of malpractice. All that has changed, of course. And now we are comparing notes and working out how to do virtual therapy.

As I listened to the material presented, I saw how many of the insights could be applied to e-dating.  In both e-therapy and e-dating, the idea applies that two people who don’t know each other and are negotiating at relationship that involves some intimacy.  So in this next part of the essay, I’ll tell you some of what we’ve learned about e-therapy.

One of the objections to e-therapy, which is how I conduct most of my professional practice, is that there is no visual connection.  One day this will end, as broadband allows more and more video telephoning. But even now the objection about a  lack of visual contact isn’t that valid. People who are totally blind get 100% of their meaningful communication input from others in the form of sounds. One of my favorite teachers and therapists was functionally blind. He read by holding papers up to his left cheek. Blind as he was, I still believed he could see me. 

The same disinhibiting that makes e-dating so tricky can be very helpful in e-therapy.  There are even a sizeable number of people who work entirely through email.  They don’t even go to the phone. The impersonal safety serves them and allows them to talk about very tender matters. 

The best way to help someone talk abo