Dear Dr. Philip,

I am 45 yrs old. I was in a long term relationship with a woman, and she asked me to move out. Friday, which was three days before the deadline she gave me, I came home from work to find the front of the house littered with black plastic garbage bags which turned out to be filled with some of my things. The locks had been changed and a terse note taped to the door which advised me to remove my things within 48 hours. She took the majority of my things and either gave them away or sold them.

We did have problems.  I was coming out of a bad stretch in my life where I was unemployed for a long time (2-3 yrs) and did not have my finances in order, nor did I have a lot of stuff. And due to prior cancer treatment I was not able to perform sexually as often as she would like.

But I gave what I had freely and without reservation. I endured her taunts about my sexual performance, and her ridicule about my financial situation. She was always super concerned about her physical appearance. I was never in her league and she would let me know it.

Now that this situation has passed, I feel like I will never marry or have a family. I do not date and don’t know anyone to ask out. Even if I did I would not inflict myself on them. I am ashamed and embarrassed.  So I guess I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. There is still an empty place in my heart.  I have no family, and those friends I thought I had are lining up to make time with the ex. 

Oh, I am in counseling, but the counselor is not helping. I am getting angrier and angrier. I am acting out and saying and doing things that hurt people. I am forgetting to pay bills. my life is falling apart. I cannot sleep, I binge eat and I am gaining weight.  I am spending all of my time alone. I do not know anyone to even go out for coffee with.

Will I get past this? Will I find someone? What do I do? Please help.

John

Answer: Dear John,

Welcome to one hell of a midlife crisis. Will you get through it? Yes. Will you find someone? Yes. What do I do? Read on.

Yes. You will get through it if you don’t do something self-destructive. One day you will look back on this and shake your head and smile. You’re not the first guy to go through this wringer and, from my own experience, let me tell you, it is hell.

You will find someone but you have just been through the Last Immature Relationship Before the Crisis.  If you do your inner work, your next relationship will be a vast improvement. I can tell you a few things.

Your counselor isn’t helping? You did the right thing by getting a second opinion.  Get a third one if you need to.  One of the terrible things about a midlife crisis is that, in the end, it forces you to find your own way out of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t need support.  A counselor can support you, can help you, can keep your spirits up, can calm you down somewhat, and can help you keep thinking while you are swamped with emotions. But you are the one who has to work through all those terrible realizations yourself.

You say your counselor is not helping because you are getting angrier and angrier. (At least I infer that from your last paragraph.)  If I’ve read you right, I have bad news for you.  Your task at this point in the crisis is to thoughtfully and honestly realize just how angry you are and what about. The problem is not that you are angry. The problem is that you can’t deal with how angry you are.  Do you see the difference?

From my experience in dealing with this midlife crisis both in myself and as a professional, I find that tangled up in all that anger, like gold wire in a confusing trash heap, are some powerful personal truths.  I always trust and respect strong anger. It’s distilling out the inner meaning that’s the hard work.  And that’s the work you need to do.

If you are angry to the point of not being able to function, then there is a part of your soul that is on strike and demanding you sit down and deal. As to the messy ending of your last relationship  (What a story!), that is another area where you have a lot to review and think about. She sounds quite formidable and also determined to dump you from her life. It’s a kick in the ass.  In other cases I’ve looked at (can’t say about yours), it’s often a much needed kick in the ass.

Your story sounds like an example of that one relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well, you’re hard pressed to be able to say.  These relationships are intense and exhausting and when they are done you say, "I’ll not do that again." They are a kind of hitting bottom.

One of your tasks in counseling was to figure out what it was that woman had that you felt you needed so desperately that you would go into a relationship that was so demanding for you.  You'll need to really think this one through because it's something you want desperately, sounds like. This is a big piece of your puzzle.

You also need some relationship survival skills. Here’s one strong suggestion. Please listen with an open mind.  There is an organization called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  I know, I know, the name is pretty intense and calls to mind creepy people. But actually they are a pretty smart group.  What’s good about it is that there are a lot of people there who have been eaten alive by relationship experiences. You can go to the meetings and sit quietly and hear people’s stories and hear what they have done to get back on their feet. They have some pretty interesting literature and have evolved through trial and error a number of very solid ways to get your relationship life under control.  It’s an awfully strong adjunct to counseling. The best part is that there are people there who were really crazy around this stuff five, ten years ago and who have regained sanity. They can give you the wisdom of their experience (the good ones speak strictly from their own experience and that’s worth a lot).  It’s very fortifying. Thanks.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Followup:

Dear Dr. Belove, Why do I want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one? My friend the astrologer says that it is possible we will reconcile. What do I do about those thoughts?  I cannot even think of going out in public much less dating. Should I wait for her to come to her senses? I would be willing to do so. Please help-------

Answer to Follow-up: Hi, John -

You asked the perfect question: "Why do I want her back so badly and feel like she was the only one?" I think it could take you several hours to come up with that answer. It was the question I asked you in my answer to you.

I said, "Your story sounds like an example of what I’ve been called The Last Immature Relationship.  Often happens on the verge of the midlife transition and its failure is a kind of wake-up call. It’s that one relationship where you take a lot of shit (so to speak) in exchange for…well, you’re hard pressed to be able to say."

I can tell you why people in general fall into that particular emotional whirlpool. I can’t tell you what your answer to that question should be. You must work with a therapist to draw that answer forth from your gut.

What happens in relationships like that is that you believe that this is the person who has what you need to complete your life. There is something in them that is missing, oh so missing, in you. You feel it as a precisely shaped emptiness that only this precisely shaped personality can fill. Here is someone who can take you to that place that you have wanted to get to all your life. It is a place you know and love. Yet you feel powerless to get there by yourself. Yet you know exactly where it is. You have dreams about it and about being there with her, the one.

And, of course, this is young love and it is fierce, and compelling and wonderful and painful. It is the kind of love that very young people would die for. It is Romeo and Juliet love, awesome and glorious and totally consuming. It is also somewhat blinding in its glory. It is a dream of the future and you see it. What you do not see is the discouragement that comes with it. Even though it is your dream, you do not believe you can achieve it without her. That is the misapprehension.

What is true for right now is that you cannot even imagine life  without her. She inspires you. She inspires you so completely that you forget that it is your vision. She actually has a very different vision for her future and that is why she rejects you so forcefully.

Don’t think she will come to her senses. She believes that she came to her senses by throwing you out. She was sick of you and your dream for her future. She has a different vision of the future and it is incompatible with your vision. With you around, she couldn’t even think of her goals and wishes for herself.

You, on the other hand, couldn’t think of your goals and wishes for yourself without her. You needed her to activate your dreams. And that is your problem. You don’t know how to keep your dreams alive without her. In my opinion, this is what a therapist ought to help you with. He ought to help you disentangle your vision from its dependence on her.

If your therapist tells you to forget about her, you will resist because you are afraid if you forget about her you will forget about your glimpse of happiness. You are afraid that without her you cannot imagine happiness for yourself. While it is true that she uniquely helps you imagine happiness for yourself, it is also true that you can learn to do this without her. But you don’t understand this yet. Does this help you?

Best, Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Feedback: While painful, it was refreshing to finally understand some things. I am grateful for your clarity, honesty and insight. Thanks! - John L.

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Dear Dr. Belove,

I am a 41 yr old woman who just got out of a 7 year bad relationship. Before that I was married for 8 years but he died in a car accident. Now I'm new to the dating scene, and late (although I had been trying the first 10 years) in have a child, I am now "antsy" about finding someone and starting a family. I have been dating a great guy now for 3 months and he knows how I feel. I've left the topic alone for some time now but come after the holidays i plan to see where the relationship stands and bail out if he's not on the same path as I. My question is . . . Is 4 months time enough to give someone (at my age) to decide what they want out of the relationship. As you know my clock is "banging" forget about the ticking!!!

Answer: Dear Daisy,

Your question was "Is 4 months enough time to give someone to decide…." could be answered in terms of whether it is enough time for him or whether it is enough time for you. They are separate issues. You have to address them separately and think of them that way. Otherwise you will be confused as you address this difficult decision.

But if he is a great guy, then bring the topic up for a joint decision. "If you love me, or think you could, then help me think this through. I want children and I feel my biological clock ticking. At the same time, I really don’t want to force you into that kind of intense commitment. I want the father of my child to care are me and the child as much as I will. So, my friend, there are three possibilities: yes, no, maybe. If you can tell by now that this relationship does not have long term possibilities, let’s break up and be friends and let me continue on my search. If you think maybe it could, let’s keep looking at it and see whether we can know. Or perhaps you want to chose the  third - you don’t think we are ready for that call now. "

One way to talk about this is for you both to share your visions of the future. You seem to see yourself raising a child with a partner. Or maybe you see yourself raising a child, partner or not. How does he see himself in the future?

This is an interesting conversation for the both of you. If you like him enough to consider sharing parenting with him, you should then at least be able to share the musings about those possibilities.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Feedback from Daisy:  He is a very bright, caring, compassionate and very helpful in helping you "find a way", "look from a different perspective" and reach a decision!