* Books on Relationships

If you are not sure you want to stay in your relationship, here's a great resource! The author does a fine job of talking to the reader in a no-nonsense way about relationship ambivalance, which is something that many of us go through at least once in our lifetimes. It's a wonderfully useful tool to help you examine how you feel about your relationship and whether or not most people who felt the way you do were happier staying or leaving. I found this book to be extremely helpful.  If you are debating leaving a long-term relationship or marriage, buy this book!

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Experiencing the break up of a relationship can be very painful. It doesn't matter if it's a marriage or other form of partnership; it usually hurts badly. Psychotherapist Dr. Peter M. Kalellis has much to offer in his new book, "Restoring Relationships - Five Things to Try Before You Say Goodbye". I very much enjoyed reading this book. Instead of presenting dry and abstract theories, Dr. Kalellis shares his important ideas with simple language we can all understand. I especially appreciated the stories about real couples, and that he included practical action steps throughout the book. If you or someone you know is in a relationship that is in trouble, Restoring Relationships is a tool that can help make a difference.

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By John Gray, Ph.D. 1997 (Amazon price: $6.29)

John Gray is the Blockbuster of Pop Psychology. It is fashionable in many professional circles to deprecate what he has to say; I think he is worth reading. He listens to the people who come to listen to him and he’s collected a lot of lore. When he speaks, he reflects much of what he has heard and people believe he speaks to them, to their heart’s truth. His presentation is clear. He has many of ideas and suggestions, all of them from that particular and large cross section he speaks to. Here is one of his more interesting ideas: "The more a man pursues women that he could not love, the less he is able to feel physically attracted to a woman whom he could love." Even if you disagree with him, if you read his stuff and think about it, you will have done some important work for yourself. - PB

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Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner
by Phillip C. McGraw (Amazon Price $18.36)

Refreshingly, Dr. McGraw begins the book by questioning the therapeutic standards too often given to the thousands of couples in trouble. "The divorce rate in America refuses to drop below fifty percent, and twenty percent of us will divorce not once but twice in our lifetime. Clearly, pleasant and generic instructions on how to communicate better or theoretical musings that give you great insights about relationships just weren't going to cut it fifteen years ago and won't cut it now. " Obviously (to paraphrase him), couples therapy as we have known it isn't working. 

This book is primarily for relationships 'on the rocks' - the first steps are set up to evaluate and understand what your relationship is, how it got this way (no surprise, it didn't fall apart on its own, or because of your partner). The Seven Steps are not simple or simplistic, but provide structure for thought and more. This book is not about what's wrong with your partner and how to fix him or her. It is about the person reading the book -- you!

For those in a troubled relationship, you might want to read this yourself first, and work on your own issues. Dr. Phil has a directness that can be intimidating to some - but for some of us, we need that extra push. A great book! - SP

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Shem and Surry are on the faculty of the Harvard Medical School and the Stone Center at Wellesley College. Together they’ve conducted workshops bringing men and women for a dialog about the differences between them. The book discusses the fears of men and the yearnings of women and ways to reconcile the two. - PB

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50+ And Looking for Love Online
by Barbara Harrison (Amazon price $10.36)

The author takes the reader step-by-step through the process of choosing where to advertise, creating the perfect ad, selecting the right responder, and managing the first date. She explains the inevitable risks and often surprising rewards, and includes practical advice from psychologists, advertising experts, Web site managers, and other over-50 singles. An appendix of publications and Web sites, a workbook, and checklists for success are included. 

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* Books on Marriage

By David Schnarch, 1997 (Amazon price: $12.80)

A "break through" book about the dynamics of intimate relationships. This is Dr. Schnarch’s presentation to the general population of the ideas he first developed in Constructing the Sexual Crucible. He says that "the greatest sexual pleasure and emotional fulfillment in a person’s lifetime is possible in the middle and later years when he or she has developed a mature sense of self and found genuine intimacy with another person." And, wonder of wonders, he actually explains what growth looks like. Using the concept of "differentiation" he explains how you can have your cake and eat it too - being your own person while maintaining close intimacy. Many of the examples and exercises are focused on sexual issues which is great, because that is so often a cause of tension in our relationships. Highly recommended! - SP

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Pittman's common sense views on infidelity are absolutely refreshing. A key point that seems unique is Pittman's emphasis that the betrayed partner did not bring this on themselves. Pittman's book is a humane, reasonable and a common sense approach which helps alleviate much pain and calls the straying partner to account for his actions. Another insightful observation Pittman reveals is the re-writing of history that often goes on in the rationalization process of the adulterer. The common phrases, "Our marriage was over a long time before, we always had problems, she/he never loved me" may or may not be true. But generally in the presence of an affair, those statements make cheating a whole lot easier to do. 

Pittman asks, How trustworthy is the memory of a cheating partner. A sanity saving thought for the faithful partner who begins to suspect he was either living in another house, or lost his mind. For those who have been wounded the book offers great comfort, for those who cheated it offers an opportunity for accountability. Most of all it offers hope for many that marriages can be saved even after adultery. Pittman's book is a great tool to do precisely that. At this point I have found no better resource for those grappling with the aftermath of adultery. - SP

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by John Gottman (Amazon Price $10.40)

Psychologist John Gottman has spent 20 years studying what makes a marriage last. Now you can use his tested methods to evaluate, strengthen, and maintain your own long-term relationship. This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage. Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize the four major attitudes that doom a marriage -- contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling -- and provides practical exercises and techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. A wonderful book! - SP

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By William J. Lederer and Don D. Jackson, M.D. (Amazon Price $11.96)

NOT just for marital situations! I  feel this is one of the best books for anyone in any kind of personal relationship. Very 'down to earth' in helping get past the confusion and frustration we find in argumentative situations and everyday expectations. Especially, if you're involved in a close personal situation (or want to prepare for one), this book is a must. Great book to be able to loan to friends that are having marital/friend trouble. But, make sure you get it back!! - SP

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In this ground-breaking book, Michele Weiner-Davis gives straightforward, effective advice on how couples can stay together instead of come apart.  Using case histories to illustrate her marriage- enriching, divorce-preventing techniques, which can be used even if only one partner participates, Weiner-Davis shows readers: How to leave the past behind and set attainable goals; Strategies for identifying problem-solving behavior that works -- and how to make changes last;  and "Uncommon- sense" methods for breaking unproductive patterns.  Inspirational and accessible, Divorce Busting shows readers in pain that working it out is better than getting out.  - SP

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 By Pepper Schwartz,  1994 (Amazon price: $14.95)

Pepper Schwartz is a sociologist and in 1983 she did a book with a collaborator, Philip Blumstein, called American Couples. During that project she noticed that many same sex couples had achieved an equalitarian relationship but few heterosexual couples had. She wanted to know more and gradually found a fair number of hetero couples with what she came to call, ‘Peer marriages.’ She interviewed them and passed on what she learned in this very smart book. Two of the most interesting ideas for me was the idea of a ‘near-peer’ couple, couples that claimed equality but, in some subtle way, deferred to the member of the couple who made the most money. The other idea, related was the idea of "the provider complex,’ the package of special considerations given to the one who does the most providing. A third idea was that in these couples, equality balanced out the tensions of sexuality and they couples had to take special care to light their fires. Many of the ideas are quite valuable for midlife couples who will come to new relationships as equals. - PB

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Books on Sex

This book is a collection of techniques and encouragements, as well as facts and information. The information is presented in the excited tone of voice of mass circulation magazines, "hundreds of sizzling sex secrets to turn your deepest sexual desires into …uninhibited pleasures… and real passion…" This, the editors claim is an example of "direct, no-nonsense" talk. For my own taste, it’s like verbal MSG. However, I humbly acknowledge that we each have our own taste in erotic literature. Still, it’s a good survey and has lots of interesting ideas. -PB

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Joani Blank, Editor, 2000 (Amazon price:$10.00)

Be forewarned that these erotic stories are extremely graphic, with take-no-prisoners descriptions of body parts, arousal techniques, connections, positions, and releases. The writers' sexual orientations are an assortment of straight, gay, and bisexual. Some are into bondage and discipline and sadomasochism. What makes these stories different from usual erotic literature is that age is a major player. Whether the writer is having sex after heart surgery, self-conscious about a wrinkly stomach hanging down, making love without an erection, experiencing leg cramps in certain positions, or worrying about the dentures ("What do I do with them when my lover's staying overnight?"), age is an unabashed participant in the sex act. Yet despite the challenges, most report that sex after 60 is the best they've ever had! - PB

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Books on Spirituality

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by M. Scott Peck (Amazon price $6.29)

Hailed as one of the great spiritual books of the century, "The Road Less
Traveled" has already given more than two million grateful readers an inspirational framework for achieving profound personal growth and satisfaction.  Dr. Peck's crucial premise- that life is hard- is challenging for even the strongest among us, but his art lies in his ability to lead us to accept, and ultimately transcend, this idea.   Never before have psychological and spiritual guidance come together so powerfully. It's not the easiest road---but it is the only one worth taking. Let Dr. Peck's remarkable achievement help you find your way as you journey today, and every day of your life. - SP

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It may seem strange to add a book written by an American Sufi to this midlife collection, but this is an exceptional, clear, and easy to read book on an important subject. An excellent book for someone seeking information about how to live as a fully present spiritual being in our world. The chapters are short, digestible chunks in clearly written language, and include excerpts from Rumi's extraordinary poetry, as well as Helminski's wisdom garnered from more than two decades of Sufi study, practice, and leadership. This book balances the practical and the beautiful, and shows the sacredness inherent in human life. Someone who is remembering his or her connection to God, or wants to know how to remember that remembrance, will find "Living Presence" both useful and a joy to read. I highly recommend this book for anyone, both absolute beginners and those further along the path! - SP

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This is a very interesting book. It is one of the places where I came to understand that midlife dating happens in a de-regulated atmosphere. It is a collection of personal stories by clergy persons, and other spiritually aware and committed people trying to connect their spirituality and their sexual needs. Every story is about some unorthodox exploration, some willing entry into the dark and pathless forest. There are no easy answers but many stories of honorable struggle. - PB

I would like to add a caveat to prospective readers of this book: the choices  of sexual freedom advocated by most of the contributors of this book would not work, in my opinion, for most marriages. A couple would have to exceptionally mature and loving to be able to live the lifestyles advocated here! - SP

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In her own unique way, Hooks, a woman over 40, has written a fine and thoughtful book about the true meaning of love. She beautifully weaves her childhood search for that emotion with society's misuse (and dire
need) of it. "All About Love" takes apart the sentimental and often fleeting aspects of romance, stuck in the muddled urges of sex, and details the problems that arise from the confusion between the two. What Hooks does best is reveal that the true force of love lies in its spiritual, redemptive power, which can impact positively on humankind. - SP

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Enneagram Books

Here's my favorite of the enneagram books! Recommended by two highly credible authorities, consciousness explorer Ken Wilber and spiritual-growth guru Harville Hendrix, this compendium of Enneagram information was assembled by the cofounders of the Enneagram Institute as an introduction to the subject. Designed with a plenitude of charts, boxes, and quotes (by noted luminaries such as  Maya Angelou, and G.I. Gurjieff), this exceptionally easy-to-use, manual-size paperback teaches the reader how to figure out which of the nine types she is, identifies red flags to self-illusion, and provides practical suggestions for spiritual growth. Advice on how to observe your type's fixations and let go of the need to act out automatic and dysfunctional behavioral responses are down-to-earth and attainable. A distinctly accessible approach to cultivating daily happiness through understanding the complexity of fixations that weave together human personality types. - SP

Other Books of Interest

In order to better understand the crises of his middle-aged patients, Dr. Chinen's search led him to centuries-old stories from the oral tradition. These stories tell what happens in the "ever after", when the Prince goes bald and the Princesses has a midlife crisis. They portray middle-aged men and women facing the issues of midlife: the loss of ideals; gender differences; dealing with crisis; aging and mortality; and the desire for renewal. Listeners will find that many midlife crisis are universal and timeless and that their ultimate resolutions as described in these stories guide them through the peaks and valleys of midlife. - SP

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