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What is Love?
By Susan Price, MA,
LMHC
Dear Ms Price:
My question is simply this: how do you know when you are in love? Doesn't the word "love" mean something different to
each person?
At the end of this month I will turn 51. My only marriage ended 23
years ago. It wasn't a love match. We bowed to parental pressure and
married, but on the morning of our wedding we discussed the fact that we didn't
feel we loved each other, or whether we ever would (it didn't happen). The marriage was as awful, as you might expect. I spent the
intervening years alone and celibate, rearing our 3 children, who are now grown and
on their own.
Although this might seem extreme, the time alone gave me the chance to
re-think the past and absorb the lessons of the relationship. There
were many, and I am confident that I have learned to understand them. I began dating about a
year ago with the goal of finding a partner. After many dates and some
disappointments, I feel as though I may have found "the right
one".
But how can I be sure? Repeatedly on this site (and in life) I hear people
talking about falling in and out of love. But real love isn't something
that disappears, is it? I see real love as something lasting. I believe
that if you love someone, it is forever, no matter what. That if you love
someone and the relationship itself ends (for whatever reason),
the love remains.
Is this naive? Do I not understand the nature of love? I
suspect that at the tender age of 51, I am in love for the first time
in my life. But when I hear my friends describe the number of times they
have been in and out of love, I wonder if I have any
understanding at all. What are your thoughts on this?
Thank you,
Carrie Argyle
Dear Carrie,
What a good question! Yes, of course, love means something different to
each person!
I believe that part of our midlife task is to re-learn how we define love
for ourselves. Also, any long relationship is always an "event in
progress", and it changes, so I'm not sure it is ever possible to know
"for sure".
And, I don't think love is some magical thing that just
"happens". People are sometimes attracted to each other.
Then they get to know each other better, and sometimes they feel that
exciting "rush" that makes them feel as though they are
"in love". That's a wonderful feeling, but it's more of a
mating urge, or infatuation, than it is real love.
Real love, in my opinion, is when you know someone really well over a
period of time, their faults as well as their strengths, are able to
accept who they really are, and the two
of you are able to communicate honestly and profoundly, and are also
able to make a commitment to each other that you are both willing to
keep.
For many people, this long term stage is not quite as exciting as that
original "rush", and that's why you sometimes hear middle aged people
say "I love my spouse, but I'm not IN LOVE with him or her"(
check
out another letter to me).
Some people want to get that exciting rush back so much that they will
leave a perfectly acceptable mate in order to find that initial
excitement again. That includes "commitment phobics" who
have allowed themselves to have gotten married, but are having
difficulty in dealing with a constant and loyal mate.
Long term love takes real work, and that may be why it's not quite as
glamorous as beginning love! So, if you want to be "in love"
with your mate the rest of your life, that may or may not be possible,
depending on what you mean by being "in love". In other
words, I think there is a difference between loving and being "in
love".
"Real love" doesn't disappear, I agree, but it may change
its nature. You may always remember a former love with fondness and
good memories, but may be currently in a deep profound commitment to
someone else. I think it would be lovely if our lives were less
complex and more stable than they seem to be today, and if people had
only one true mate for their whole lives, as some animals have an
instinct to do, but life
often doesn't seem to work that way at the present time.
And people are different from each other. What's right for one person
is not right for another. So your job is to find out what's right for
you, not what's right for your friends who may fall in and out of love.
Good luck in your life, Carrie! I think you have thought seriously
about this issue, and you do have a good understanding of it. I hope I
have been of some help to you!
Sincerely,
Susan Price, MA
Note: Dr. Belove and I invite readers of this site to write and
also give your thoughtful answers to the question, "What is
Love?" as explored from a midlife perspective. Just fill in the
spaces below to let us know what YOU think!
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Why
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